Never To Be Mine
by theonlykyla
Summary: 1-4-12 ON HIATUS - Sometimes the one we truly love isn't meant to be ours. Follow Edward and Bella on their love affair spanning over 40 yrs of their lives. How can their love sustain the boundaries they live in? What if true love was never meant to be?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 Beginning at the End**

**A/n: I know that this story will not be well received by everyone, and I'm resolved to that. However, please know that this story is very, very personal to me. In this story, I am Bella, in so many ways.**

**We'll talk more about the story at the end, but please, just at least give it a try. It's different, but then again when aren't my stories outside of the box. There is NO slash in this one. But there is a character death and infidelity. Just try this chapter and if you can't deal with it in the end, leave me a review and let me know that you at least tried it, please?**

**I have to say a HUGE thank you to Massy (reyes139) and my Twifey (lvtwilight09) for walking me through the steps to get this one out. I wrote the first five chapters of this story in a frenzy of 18 hrs on Saturday. It's just been pouring out of me and they were there, holding my hand and encouraging me every step of the way. I love you both more than words can ever say.**

**Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer. I'm sure she would absolutely cringed at what I'm about to do to her beloved characters. But I'm doing it anyway, my soul needed cleansing.**

**Present Day**

I stood there and watched all the family members grasp her hands, say soft words of condolences, hug her tight and give her looks of sorrow. Her eyes are hidden behind giant blacked out lenses but the tension is evident all over her body.

She looked radiant, as always, with her honey blond hair pulled back in a chignon, black form-fitting dress and Laboutin black peep toes. Not even her husband's funeral could crush her fashion sense.

Her children, _**his**_ children, flank her sides, wives and husbands, grandchildren as well, all in attendance to honor the man they adored and are here to honor.

And then there's me.

I stood alone, in the back of the crowd; hidden from view, as best as I could. Unable to stay away as the love of my life is laid to rest six feet in the ground.

The sun is barely shining through the clouds but thankfully a light mist is all that hangs in the air on this solemn day. The day my heart officially died and the beats wore on, only because my body forced them too.

He was never to be mine….regardless of the love we shared.

You see, I have loved this man for more than half my life….and he loved me. Or so he said.

**Forty-Two years ago**

I met Edward Cullen the day he started his residency at Seattle General where I was a nurse on the oncology floor. He walked onto the floor and it was like my world suddenly tilted upright on it's axis.

I was twenty-six years old and single. My last relationship had lasted a year, three years ago. I didn't date much, nor go out partying, much to my best friends chagrin. I didn't want a man-whore or a party-guy. I wanted to find 'the one'.

Edward was everything I'd ever dreamed about; good-looking, self-confident, family oriented and he was a Doctor. I had tried to ignore him and just be cordial professionally at first, but he soon broke through my tough exterior and we became friends.

Then I met her, his wife, Tanya. She hadn't remembered me, but we'd had classes together in college. I reminded her when we were introduced, she acted like she recalled a memory of me and gave me that fake smile and arm pat, like we were old chums.

I hated her. I envied her. I wanted to be her.

Edward and Tanya had been married for about six months when he started working at the hospital. They were still in that 'honeymoon' phase of their relationship where she would stop by the hospital for quick lunches or to say hi. It made me sick to my stomach to know they were together, in this hospital, somewhere nearby, having sex. She didn't deserve him.

But then again, I was the plain, mousy girl that no one ever noticed. I certainly didn't deserve him or his attention. So imagine my shock when one day he asked me if I had plans for lunch.

"No, um, not really. I brought my lunch, I was just going to sit in the quad and read." I stammered out, flustered by his sudden attention.

"Would you care if I joined you?" His soft voice sent a wave of tingles throughout my body.

"Um, not at all." I said as I made quick eye contact with him before looking away when the blush crept up on my now beet-red cheeks.

He let out a small laugh, "I'll met you at the lift in ten minutes, okay?" His eyes sparkled as he waited for me to nod in agreement.

I was a nervous wreck. Why did he ask me to lunch? He could have gone with anyone, he's popular, he's a doctor….I'm just a nurse, who comes in and does my job and goes home, alone, every night.

We meet at the elevator and he smiles that crooked grin at me, "I've got to run to the cafeteria and pick something up, do you want to go with me or just meet me in the quad?"

"I'll go with you, since it's on the way," I managed to get out, trying to stop the blush from creeping out again.

The door dings open and we both walk on at the same time, our arms brushing and a row of goose bumps break out across that skin on my arm. We each move to the back of the elevator carriage in separate corners and take turns stealing glances at once another. He catches me and smiles, "It's nice to see you smile a little, Bella. You are always so serious on the floor."

"Oh well, it's hard to be happy and smiling when there are so many sick cases waiting for attention." I ramble off, embarrassed that he might think I think he doesn't take his job seriously.

"Yeah, I know but still, there have to be moments in the day when a smile is warranted, right?" He pokes at me with his loose humor and attempts to make me ease my steely exterior.

"I guess, but I'm not really a social person." I mumble as the door dings to the let us out at the cafeteria on the third floor.

"I'll just wait here while you get your food," my voice a little weaker as I notice people staring at the two of us.

"Okay, I'll hurry." He said as he heads to the food line, picked up a tray and started to fill it with who knows what. I pull my book from my pocket and sit on the bench by the elevator doors. I attempt to read but realize that all of my thoughts are focused on Edward and the fact that he asked to have lunch with me.

"Ready?" His voice startled me as I looked to see him with a loaded down tray and that signature smirk of his.

"Sure," I say as I hit the down button on the wall.

Once again, we pile into the elevator, retreating to separate corners, continuing with this little eye flirting thing we're both doing.

The door dings signaling we've reached the bottom level and we move to get out and into the small amount of sunshine beaming from the normally grey sky. "Where do you prefer to sit?" Edward asks as I look around for an open table.

"It doesn't really matter, but I usually try to stay away from the noisy tables so that I can read." I tell him, realizing how anti-social that I sound.

"Let's go back there, then. I don't want to totally disrupt your routine." Edward said with a head nod toward the table he was referring to.

Once we sat down and started preparing our food to eat, I blurted out, "Why did you want to have lunch with me?" My hand immediately flew up and over my mouth, my eyes wide and that damn blush of mine sure to color me the hue of a tomato.

He looked at me, gave a soft smile, "Because I think you are an amazing person that keeps yourself a little closed off, from what I've seen. I wanted to get to know you better, that's all." His eyes held nothing but honesty.

"Okay," I squeaked out. "I'm rather boring, though, you should know that now."

He brought his eyes up to mine, stared at me for a long minute, like he was choosing his words carefully, "Somehow, I doubt you are boring at all." There was a seriousness that over took him for a moment before that smile spread across his face. "Tell me all about you."

It had been so long since anyone had wanted to talk to me about anything, let alone about myself, I wasn't even sure what to say. "I'm not sure what you want to know."

"Let's start with where are you from?" Edward's eyes held mine for a second before I looked down to my sandwich for the answer.

"I'm from Forks, Washington, moved here for College, graduated and started to work here at the hospital." I shrugged my shoulders and took a drink of water.

"Does your family still live in Forks?" He asked between bites of his hamburger.

"Oh, um, my dad does. He and my mom are divorced. She moved to Florida after she got remarried a few years ago." I replied.

"So you are an only child?" Edward asked while wiping his mouth.

I nodded my head in response as I chewed up the apple I had just bitten into.

"Lucky you." He chuckled.

"You have siblings?" I asked, wanting to know everything about him.

"Oh yeah, I have a sister and a brother. I'm the middle child." He grinned like the cat that ate the canary.

"So you were the brat?" I teased him. His eyebrows waggled at me as he chuckled and nodded as he chewed his food.

He wiped his mouth again and said, "I was...am, still." His head fell back with laughter.

I quirked an eyebrow at him, "That I believe."

We laughed for a minute or two then settled back into our food before he spoke again, "So no boyfriends or husband?"

I lowered my eyes, feeling ashamed of my single status and the lack of socialization in my life. "No." I quietly answered.

"I'm sorry, if I hit a nerve." He seemed completely sincere.

"No, it's okay. I just keep to myself, really. I don't go out much." I answered flippantly.

"Why? You are a young, beautiful woman." He stated as he stared at me, his eyes drinking me and making me a little uncomfortable.

I knew my cheeks were heating up and that just pissed me off, which caused me to snap, "What does it matter?"

His green eyes went wide as he shook his head, "I'm sorry, Bella, I shouldn't have asked that. It's none of my business."

I fought to keep my tears at bay, "It's alright, Dr. Cullen, it's just a sensitive subject for me."

"Edward, Bella...when it's just you and I, please call me Edward." He gently placed his hand on mine and gave it a gentle squeeze.

My eyes instantly went to his hand on mine, as his touch seared my skin and goose-bumps formed again. He quickly retracted his hand, picked up his drink and took a sip from the cup.

"Edward, it's just that I don't date a lot and my friends are constantly trying to set me up. I'm not a party or club girl so it makes it hard for them to understand how I'll ever meet someone." I softly answered and twirled my napkin through my fingers.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know. I just wondered about you and wanted to get to know you." Edward said full of sincerity. "You are also so quiet, you hardly ever smile and you have these soulful eyes that look like that have stories to tell."

"Edward, really, there's nothing to tell." I paused. "But I have two cats, London and China." I smiled as I thought about my two fluffy loves at home.

He sat there with a serious look for a second before his face broke out into a smile, "Ah, a crazy cat girl, now I get it." He laughed and I laughed right back at him.

We chatted through the remainder of our lunch about nothing of consequence and seemed a little sad when our time was up.

"I'd like to have lunch again with you sometime, if that's okay, Bella." He said as he gathered his tray and trash.

"I'd really like that, Edward." And it was the truth, it had been nice having someone to talk to and to actually laugh with.

Our lunch dates became a regular thing a few days a week over the course of the next month until finally one day it was raining to hard for us to eat outside, "Join me in my office?" He softly asked.

My heart was trying to beat through my rib cage it was speeding so fast, and my palms instantly got sweaty...alone in his office. Just the two of us. The door closed.

He'd starred in every fantasy I had for the past three months. He'd consumed every dream, constantly playing on a reel in my mind, professing his love and showing me with affection.

And now, he wants to eat alone in his office. I kept trying to remind myself that he was a married man and that he wouldn't try anything inappropriate because he was a gentleman.

"Okay." I finally managed to say and was rewarded with the beautiful smile, I'd come to love as if it were only for me. We agreed to meet there in fifteen minutes, giving him enough time to grab some food before meeting me.

I grabbed my lunch and headed to the sixth floor where Edward's office was. It really wasn't much of an office, more like a closet that had room enough for a mini-fridge, desk and chair and in this case a small loveseat. Tanya's influence was all over this room as she'd had the walls painted, artwork hung on the walls and the furniture was definitely not standard hospital issue.

I knocked on the door as he yelled, "Come in," as though his mouth was stuffed with food. I pushed the door ajar to find him with half a cheeseburger stuffed into his mouth, I couldn't stop the giggles that erupted from me.

"Were you that hungry you had to eat it in one bite?" I joked as I sat on the small loveseat and started to unpack my lunch.

His eyes looked apologetic as he nodded his head vigorously, searching for a napkin to wipe his lips and chin. "Yes!" He exclaimed before I finally handed him a napkin from my own lunchsack.

"I didn't have time to fix anything this morning and Tanya doesn't 'do' breakfast at five am so I've only had coffee today. I'm starving." He said as he waved around his tray covered in greasy cafeteria food that was enough for at least four people.

I just laughed and filed away that tidbit about Tanya not fixing him breakfast. "Well, then by all means, eat. A growing man and a busy surgeon must have grease and animal fat filling his system to keep him going." I taunted him.

"And if you want, I make some mean muffins, I can start bringing a few extra with me in the mornings, so you can have something of substance besides coffee. Well, I mean, if you'd like that." I mumbled, realizing that I'd just offered to make him breakfast.

"Bella, you don't have to do that for me." Edward's voice was gentle and settled over me like a warm blanket.

"I don't mind. I mean, I usually make enough in the mornings that I have a few left over anyway. It wouldn't be any trouble at all." I replied, hoping he'd take me up on my offer, so that it would mean I could spend a few private moments with him each day.

"I'd really like that, Bella." Again, he spoke with a softness and when my eyes met his, there was this small light of fiery yellow burning amidst the green, that I hadn't noticed before.

"Okay then." I said, trying to stave off the blush that was sure to give me away as I broke his stare and looked away.

"Bella, I've really enjoyed getting to know you these past few weeks. You are truly like a breath of fresh air in the smog of life, ya know?" His voice had taken this heaviness and suddenly my heart was racing again. I was falling for this man, this married man, this married doctor that I worked for.

I smiled, "I've enjoyed getting to know you, too, Edward."

"There it is...that beautiful smile. God, I love it when you smile." He let his words hang out there, swirling in the air as he held my eyes with almost a hint of pleading.

"Thank...Thank you, Edward." I stuttered, embarrassed, "It feels nice to have a reason to smile again." I broke my eyes away, suddenly finding the pattern on the loveseat very interesting.

He turned back to his food, looked back at me as our eyes met once again, both looking away as we caught the other, "So do you have plans for this weekend?" He asked, trying to sound casual.

"Not really, just the usual errands and chores around the house." I replied, trying to keep it light and casual as well. But something has shifted between us, I could feel it in that moment. There was more emotions floating in that small little office than I knew what to do with.

"Well, I have tickets to that benefit at the museum this weekend, if you'd like to go with me." Edward said with his eyes darting between me and his food. "I mean, you had mentioned that you enjoy going to the museum and well, I have the tickets and I don't want to go alone, so I just thought, I mean," He was stumbling and uncertain, so unlike him.

"I'd love to go." I quietly interrupted his rambling.

"You would?" He questioned.

"Sure, I mean, if it's okay with your wife and she doesn't mind me using her ticket. I'd love to go with my friend to the museum." I tried to sound confident and not like the curious snoop I was trying to be.

"Tanya hates the museum." He said with a sag to his shoulders. "Besides, she's off to New York on a girls weekend. So I'll be left to my own devices, anyway."

"I'm sure that you'll manage," I let out a small laugh, trying to lighten the air between us.

"Well, I don't know about that but at least I'll have a little fun, right?" He gave me a small smile, his eyes clouded with something sad and unsettling.

"That we will." I smiled and finished packing up the remaining contents of my uneaten lunch. "It's time for me to head back to the floor," I reminded him, trying to keep the disappointment out of my tone.

"Already?" He whined. "Time always go so quickly when I'm with you."

He picked the rest of his trash, as well, dumping it in the trashcan. "Let's get to it, sick people need our help." He said and placed his hand on the small of my back as we walked out of his office.

He's touching me. My skin is tingling again. He isn't removing his hand.

We stood there, waiting for the elevator. His hand on my lower back. Me trying not to pant out loud. And something definitely changed between us. And my heart was stammering to the beat of a conga drum.

"I'm so excited for Saturday to get here, now." He quietly spoke in my ear as we settled in the elevator, standing side by side, his hand still resting on my back.

"Me, too." I managed to whisper, unsure if he even heard it as the door dinged to the tenth floor where we both worked.

"I'll, um, call you Friday night and we can make arrangements, okay?" He asked as his hand dropped from my body and we made our way back to the nurse's station.

"Sounds good." I said, trying to hide the disappointment I was experiencing now that he was no longer touching me.

He smiled that special smile and got back to work.

Leaving work that day, I was drained, emotionally, mentally and physically. We lost Mrs. Harper today. She was one of my favorite patients and she had fought hard to beat the cancer, but lost the battle in the end.

Days like this just crushed my heart, add to it the anxiety that I was feeling over having accepted Edward's offer and I was just exhausted.

When I got home, fed the cats, I checked my messages noticing that I actually had three on the machine. I hit the button as I walked around picking up a few things.

_'Bella, it's your mom. I haven't heard from you in a month. What's going on, baby girl? Are you seeing someone new, is that why you are to busy to check in with your dear old mom? I mean, not that I'm old but you know what I mean. CALL ME! Love you, bye.'_

_'Bella, it's Ang, I haven't heard from you all week. I have tickets to that weekend festival in the market and thought it might do good for you to get out. Call me, sweety, I miss you.'_

Ugh. I didn't want to talk to my mom right now. She doesn't understand my need to work with sick people and she certainly doesn't have the emotional capacity to understand my sorrow at their deaths. And Angela, well, she means well but she's got a husband and just doesn't understand why I don't date. I'm sure there's a catch to her offer but I have to call her back because I need her help.

Then the last message starts to play, pulling my thoughts to the voice on the machine.

_'Bella, it's Edward. Um, yeah, I looked up your number in the system, I hope you don't mind. I kinda forgot to ask you for it earlier. Um, yeah, well, I was thinking if you wanted, maybe we could um, get something to eat before going to the museum. I mean, oh shit, fuck...I sound like a dumbass. Just call me or talk to me tomorrow or you know, don't ….okay, I'm hanging up now before I continue to ramble on and fill up your machine. Have a good night, I know you took Mrs. Harper's death pretty hard, so I hope you are alright. You care so much for the patients. _

I hear a heavy sigh on the recording before he continues...

_'You are to good for the world around you, do you know that? Well, anyways, I hope you have a good night and I'll just talk to you tomorrow. But ya know, if you want to talk, you can call me, 555-096-1970 is my number. I'll be up for a while. Bye, Bella.'_

The click of the machine rang through the emptiness of my apartment.

He's worried about me? He thinks I'm to good for the world around me?

This man has me utterly confused by his actions. He's married. He's asked me on a date.

And I'm completely and unabashedly in love with him.

**Present Day**

She sees me, I know, even though her eyes are hidden. Her head is fixed in my direction as her son, Masen, whispers something in her ear.

He is as beautiful as his father was at that age. I wipe the tear that has fallen down my cheek.

His granddaughter, Lilly, walks toward the casket and slides a piece of paper under the bouquet of flowers on top of the casket. She was always his favorite with her bright bronze hair that curled and swayed, unruly, like his.

His family. His life. His wife.

And I stood here alone, the remains of my heart hanging together with the miniscule threads woven through them, as she turns her head back towards his casket.

She made sure that he would never leave her. She made sure that I always knew she came first.

He was never to be mine, even in death.

**A/n: Still with me? -hides behind the couch-**

**I told you it wouldn't be for the faint of heart...if you need to flounce, I understand. But please leave me a note telling me what you hated the most. **

**I won't post the next chapter until I've completed Love & Anger, which should be a little shy of two weeks. I hope you will rejoin me then.**

**BIG HUGGLES to all that made it all the way through the first chapter...and buy stock in the tissues, you'll need a box for each chapter, I can assure you.**

**Love and tootles,  
>Kyla<strong>


	2. Chapter 2 How It All Started

**Chapter 2 How it all started...**

**A/n: Again, a friendly warning, this story is not sunshine and roses. There are heedy subjects involved, including infidelity. I completely understand if you must stay away from this story. If not, I hope that you take the time to read it and at least give these 2 characters a chance to tell you their story.**

**As with most everything that I write, it's drawn from personal experience. Some of the most painful moments of my life are about to be left on the pages you read. But, as with all mistakes, regret will eat you alive. I've made my bed, I lie in it daily and today, I hold my head high. That which did not kill me _did_ make me stronger.**

**My team is amazing. I owe this all to them for pushing me to write these words. For me to tell my story. To bring these 2 to life. They've cried. They've screamed. But they held my hand through it all. I love them more than words could EVER express for their unconditional love, non-judgemental understanding but most of all their unending support in everything that I do. **

**Massy, Steph and Bev, I LOVE YOU!**

**Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer. I am sure she would not condone this story, either. But, she gave her permission to use her characters, so I have, liberally.**

**Present Day**

The crowds of people here are a testament to the full life that Edward Anthony Cullen lived.

There are colleagues, former patients, friends and more family than my heart can take in. They all adored him. They all loved him. They all held him in high regard.

If they'd only known about me, they might not be here.

She never confronted me. She never said a word in all the times we've been put in awkward situations.

But as I stood here, with the wind slowly starting to pick up and the light moisture in the air turning to a drizzle, I know that her voice will not remain quiet for long.

Alice sees me and offers a small nod, her eyes, too hidden from view with thick, black lenses. She'd often begged me to walk away, save my soul, my heart, my life.

Alice had held me too many times while I cried tears over her brother, knowing that he would never be mine. She loved him something fierce and never understood the choices he'd made, time and time again.

But, she held me just the same. I loved her as the sister she was to me in all ways but legally.

I watched her dab her eyes under her sunglasses, not knowing if the tears were for sorrow or pity, hatred or love. We hadn't spoken in about ten years, something which I deeply regretted but had been given no choice on.

Edward had made me choose between him and his sister. And of course, I'd chosen him.

I always chose him.

**Forty-two years ago**

I'd called Angela to go shopping for something appropriate to wear to the museum benefit as I truly had no style or care for fashion. She was more than thrilled that I seemingly had a 'date' and was eager to help me find the perfect outfit.

"Angela, this is not what you think it is. I don't want anything flashy or over the top revealing." I reminded her again as we walked into the local Mall.

"So, tell me, what it is it then?" She sighed, trying once again to pull information from me about my non-date date.

"He is just a friend. He's married. We both like the museum, his wife doesn't. It's that simple." I stated, again.

She stopped, pulled my wrists into her grasp, her eyes searched mine for something foreign, "You are in love with him, aren't you? This is why you haven't been calling me or sharing your little tidbits of life with me lately, isn't it?"

I couldn't lie to save my life, so I slowly nodded my head and willed the tears to stay behind my eyelids.

"Bella, you're playing with fire." She softly said before letting me go and looping her arm through my elbow. "But, I trust you to do the right thing, and if you say it's just two friends, hanging out, then at least I'm happy that you are going out."

"Two friends, that's all." I tried to confidently state. "Now, help me find something decent to wear so I don't have to show up in scrubs." I joked, trying to take her mind off of what was really happening with me.

I'd always been a good girl, never caused trouble or did anything out of line. I had been a straight A student, had almost perfect attendance and kept my head buried in the books. Angela and I had been friends since kindergarten, cut from the same cloth, sharing a love for the written word. She started dating Ben in junior high and they've been together ever since.

She was a kindergarten teacher and Ben was an IT Tech, they had a quiet, happy life. And I envied them, living their happily ever after, except for having children. They'd been trying for a few years but not had any success, yet.

Angela knew me better than anyone else in this world, including Edward but that was quickly changing, he was becoming my best friend, too.

"So, anything in particular you're looking for?" Angela's voice pulled me from my thoughts.

"I was thinking a simple dress." I said, thinking of what I had envisioned in my head. I could see this soft material, dark blue wrap dress that made me look and feel beautiful as I stood beside Edward in the museum.

"Okay, let's head in here and see what we can find." Angela said pulling me into the store.

We spent the afternoon searching for the vision in my head before we finally found it. It was a soft navy jersey-knit material dress. It fit me a little snug, showing off my curves and it was almost exactly what I had thought about when we set off on this shopping excursion.

"This is it, Ang." I call to her as I walk out of the dressing room.

Her eyes light up, "Oh Bella, you look absolutely beautiful."

I stood in front of the mirrors, examining myself in this dress. "Do you think he'll like it?"

"Um, if he doesn't then he's a fool. Do you want him to like it?" She asked, her eyes meeting mine in the mirror.

"Yes." I softly answered, breaking her gaze and looking at the dress once again in the mirror. I could feel her eyes on me, following me as I moved to go change.

"Bella?" Her voice stopped me as I grabbed the doorknob to the dressing room. I couldn't turn around and face her. "He is just a friend, right?" Angela's voice was full of concern.

"Yes." I said as I turned my head over my shoulder to show her I meant it. I knew she didn't believe me, she knew me all too well. She knew how I guarded my heart. I didn't get excited over men or dates or dresses. I couldn't hide my excitement from her.

But was I really doing anything wrong? I mean, we _were_ just two friends, going out in a public venue, to a social event. I thought to myself, trying to rationalize that this was not wrong. Being friends with Edward was not wrong.

I got dressed and put the dress back on the hanger. I walked back out and told Angela, "We aren't doing anything wrong."

She narrowed her eyes at me, nodded her head and we walked to the cashier.

We didn't talk much the rest of our afternoon together but when we got to my apartment she stopped me as I got out of the car, "Bella, please be careful. I love you like a sister, and this thing with 'your friend', well, it scares me."

"I'll be fine, Angela." I was quick to reply, not sure of how to reassure her, because I wasn't so sure myself.

"Okay, Bella. Have fun." She said as I got my bags and shut the door.

I'm not doing anything wrong, I reminded myself again. I quickly made my way to my apartment and put my dress in the closet.

"I can't wait for Saturday night," I spoke out loud to the dress.

It was a typical Friday night for me, sitting on my couch, wrapped in a blanket with my cats curled up around me as I vegged out on ice cream and recorded shows from the week. So when my phone rang at nine-thirty, I was a little startled, "Hello?" I answered.

"Bella, hi." Edward's voice came through the receiver sending my heart racing.

"Hi, Edward. Are you okay?" I didn't know what to say.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Bored and I couldn't quit thinking about you, so I thought I'd call and see how your night was going." He sounded hesitant.

"Well, me and the cats are snuggled up watching some movies and eating ice cream." I informed him.

He chuckled, "You let the cats watch movies with you? I bet you feed them ice cream off the spoon, too, huh?"

I blushed, even though he couldn't see me, "You know me so well," I giggled, feeling free and happy to be talking to him.

"Do you want me to let you go? I mean, if you are in the middle of something, I don't want to interrupt." His voice sounded apologetic.

"No, it's fine. Besides, it's nice to have a friendly voice to talk too. Well, a human voice to talk to that can actually speak back." I joked, "Neither London or China are good at conversations."

"Okay," he laughed, "I have to ask, what's with the names of your cats?"

"Well, they are both places I want to visit someday and they just seemed to fit their personalities." I answered, feeling a little stupid about revealing this information to him.

"Oh I see. Any trips planned in the near future?" His voice was warm and friendly, making it so easy for me to open up to him.

"None currently, but who knows what could happen in the next year or two." I happily replied.

We spent three hours on the phone that night, we talked about our travel dreams, our favorite vacation spots...everything. The more we spoke, the more we realized that we had in common.

And I dreamed of him all night long that night.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt at peace. I was happy. I couldn't remember waking up so thrilled about a new day, in so long. I had a date with Edward tonight.

Last night we'd decided to go eat some Italian food before going to the benefit. We both happened to like this quaint little Italian restaurant in town.

He was going to pick me up around six for a reservation at six-thirty and we'd be at the benefit by eight. So I spent the day doing menial chores around the apartment, shopped for groceries for the week and was in the shower by three-thirty. I washed and conditioned my hair, opting to leave it down and wavy for the night.

I set it with mousse and put on a little makeup before I pulled the dress from my closet. I laid it out on the bed, studying it as I pulled on a matching bra and panty set.

Here goes nothing, I said to myself as I pulled the dress off the hanger and slid it on my body. I smoothed it down, walked to my closet and grabbed a pair of nude peep toe sling backs and slipped them on.

I stood back and checked myself out in the mirror, realizing that I needed some jewelry to finish my look. I grabbed a few bangle bracelets, my small silver hoop earrings and my open heart necklace that my dad had given me for graduation.

I moved back in front of the mirror and actually liked the way I looked. It was a far cry from the daily sloppy bun in my hair, baggy scrubs and work shoes that Edward normally saw me in. I hoped he appreciated the effort that I put in.

At promptly six pm there was a light knock on my door. I opened it to find Edward looking more spectacular than I'd ever seen him, and he was holding a bouquet of white daisies. "Wow, Bella, you look amazing." He said with a slight pink blush lining his cheeks.

"Thank you, Edward. You don't clean up so bad yourself." I replied checking him out in his black slacks and dark blue button down, with the top few buttons undone.

"These are for you." He said, holding the flowers out for me.

"Thank you, they're lovely. Let me just put them in some water." I said as I turned to walk into the apartment, "Come on in."

He followed me in and shut the door behind him. I walked into my small kitchen and grabbed a vase to put the flowers in. Once I had that all done, I turned to find him staring at me from the door frame of the kitchen.

"You truly look beautiful tonight, Bella. I mean, not that you don't always look beautiful...but I've..." he was flustered, "I've never seen you with your hair down. It's just...you look radiant." He smiled and his eyes had that fiery golden glow again.

I blushed, I could feel the heat on my face that I know the minimal amount of makeup I wore wouldn't cover up. "Thank you, Edward." My voice soft and embarrassed.

"You ready to go?" He said as he stuck his hand out for me to take.

"Sure, let me grab my purse." I said, as I took his hand and led him from the kitchen. I saw China and London perched on the back of the couch, watching everything. "You have an audience." I nodded to them and he followed my head.

He laughed, "Do I need to ask their permission to steal you away for the evening?" His eyes twinkled as he turned to look at me.

"Um, no, but you had better at least acknowledge them." I laughed and led him to my adorable cats.

"This is London," I pointed to my lovable little girl, "I call her LiLo for 'little London' as she was so tiny when she was born. And this is China, he's a little grumpy because he doesn't understand why I won't carry him everywhere." I explained, rubbing both my of my Siames behind their ears, causing them to stir.

"Well, hello to you both, I'm Edward. I promise not to keep your mom out to late and I'll take excellent care of her." He said as he gave each of them a quick rub down their backs. London took to him immediately, while China shied back, as he typically does with men.

"Okay, let's go before they cover both of us in cat hair." I grabbed Edward's hand, pulling him towards the door.

"Night night." Edward chuckled back at the cats who were watching our every move.

I grabbed my keys and purse and opened the door. Edward closed the door behind us and waited for me to lock it up before placing his hand on the small of my back. My skin set on fire under his touch and I tried to will my heart to not beat a hole through my chest.

All through dinner there were light touches or brushes of skin as the conversation flowed easy and the meal was consumed all too quickly. We arrived at the benefit, grabbed some champagne and made our way through the various exhibits.

The wine from dinner and the champagne that seemed free flowing made my head spin and kept my nerves alert to every touch of his hand, every movement of his fingertips as they touched my back as he guided me through the museum.

We reached a particularly heavy exhibit featuring great lovers of the years from long ago. There were pictures and clothing items and artifacts lining the walls of the small, dimly lit room.

"You know, I've really enjoyed spending the evening with you. It's the most fun I've had in years." He whispered in my ear as I took in a gown worn by some foreign princess.

"Me, too." I whispered back. It isn't until I felt his breath fanning across my neck that I realized he's directly behind me, his hand moved my hair off to the side when I felt his lips lightly touch the skin below my ear.

"I've been dying to do that all night." His voice directly at the cuff of my ear.

I closed my eyes and lost myself in the feel of his body leaning into mine and the sensation of his breath across the bare of my skin.

"Edward." I tried to sound admonishing.

"I'm sorry, Bella, but you are to mesmerizing and being in this dark room with you has put my mind in a place it shouldn't be." He said softly before his lips tasted my skin again. I felt his hands on my hips, felt his body heat directly against my back. "You have me completely under your spell." His words wrapped around me and seized my heart.

"I do?" I questioned through a breathy response.

"You do." He said, once again, his tongue ran across my skin at the uncovered part of my neck.

We hear voices coming into the room and he took a step back, leaving his hand on my lower back as he turned me towards the exit.

"We should go." His face was tight and his eyes were darkened with sadness.

"Okay." I replied, shocked and stunned and still a little light-headed from what just happened.

Edward was quiet as we walked out of the museum and down the stairs, when we reached the car he put my back against the door, "I'm sorry, Bella, I shouldn't have done that."

"It's okay, Edward. We've had a lot to drink and we got caught up in the moment. It's alright, I promise." I tried to keep my voice steady and not think of the hurt of his regret has caused as my heart clamped down in pain.

"Let's get you home, it's late." He said as he opened the door for me, waiting for me to get buckled in before closing the door and walking around the car.

He is silent on the drive back to my apartment but insisted on walking me to my door. "I truly did have a great time tonight, Bella." His eyes are back to being on fire and his body is only centimeters from mine as I put the key in the lock and turned to him.

"So did I, Edward. It was the best time I've had in ages." I spoke with a confidence I don't understand, perhaps trying to stop him from seeing the hurt I felt from his dejected earlier gestures.

"Bella," he paused and took a deep breath, "I really want to kiss you." His eyes searched mine as he incheed forward, his hands lightly rest on my hips.

I'm barely breathing as I give a minimal nod, accepting his request. Edward's brilliant green eyes go wild as he leaned in and I closed my eyes, anticipating his lips on mine.

The sensations exploded within me as his lips grazed mine with the faintest of touches before pushing harder against mine, when I felt his tongue run over my top lip. I unexpectedly open my mouth, felt his arms tighten around me as his tongue sneaks in and twirls around my own. My hands d to his chest, loving the feel of his hard body underneath my palms. His tongue was exploring my mouth as my tongue sought to relish in the feel of his warmth.

The kiss was deep and passionate and unlike anything I've ever experienced in my whole twenty-six years of living. We are wrapped up in this moment that changed the entire course of our whole lives, completely unaware of the hell that we've just unleashed upon our lives with the meshing of our two tongues.

He pulled away first, leaving me breathless and wet, my entire being in an eternal flame of want.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I have to go." And with that, his eyes close, he turned and ran a hand through his hair and he's gone.

It was the first night I cried myself to sleep over Edward Cullen.

**Present Day**

His daughter, Katerina, Kitty Cat, as he called her, sees me and tilts her head sideways. Like she's trying to figure out where she knows me from. She's only met me a half dozen times but her existence is a world of hurt in my heart.

Seeing her look at me sends a fresh round of tears from me eyes that I'm unable to stop. Seeing her is like seeing a reminder of what is lost to me, more so than her father lying in that casket.

Her face scrunched as her husband whispered something in her ear and she turned to him, resting her head on his shoulder.

I turn my head away from the crowd, unable to stop the enormous grief that's overtaken me as I move to a bench a few rows behind us and cry into my hands.

I'll never be able to forget it...the hurt...what was never meant to be mine.


	3. Chapter 3 Heaven or Hell on Earth

**Chapter 3 Heaven...or the beginning of Hell on earth**

**A/n: I know that this story is not an easy one to stomach and that it isn't for everyone. All I ask is that you read it with an open-mind and realize that while you may not condone infidelity, it is a real factor in a lot of lives across the world. **

**People do not always make the right choices. I know my husband didn't when he cheated on me, numerous times. I know I didn't when I made the choice to have a relationship with a married man. But, I own my actions. I've made my peace. I said my apologies. AND, I can walk with my head held high today. Would I do it again? Not willingly, no, but sometimes we have no control over who the heart wants. Love is love, plain and simple. **

**Borrowing from the words of Adele's 'Someone like you' – Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead.**

**This has been beta'd. Yes, I know there are tense issues in my writing but this one was a difficult one to measure with the flipping back and forth in time. Just bare with it and read the words, not critic the writing. Please.**

**Thanks for sticking with me on this journey. There is happiness, we just haven't gotten there yet.**

**Present Day**

I sit on the bench for a few minutes, allowing the tears to freely fall when I feel a hand grasp my shoulder. I startle and look up to see Seth, Edward's good friend and someone who actually knew of my existence in Edward's life.

He pulls me into his arms and allows his warmth to soothe me. "Shhhh, beautiful, I've got you." He quietly murmurs in my ear.

"Thank you," I ever so softly reply. He steers me back towards the crowd, moving us more to the middle crowd of the people so as to not be on display for the peering eyes at the front.

We stand in the midst of the mourners as the song his grandson, Eli, plays on the guitar, comes to an end. The preacher moves to the head of Edward's coffin and he starts to speak. But all I see is the row of people sitting closest to the box containing the man I have loved all my grown life.

"We are here today to celebrate the life and love of Doctor Edward Anthony Cullen," he starts his speech as my heart seizes at the sound of his name. His name that I never bore. His name that stood for honor and respect.

A name that was never meant to be mine.

**Forty-two years ago**

The weeks that followed 'the kiss' we avoided each other. We didn't have lunch. We didn't speak to one another unless absolutely necessary.

It was a Friday night and I was beyond depressed. I hadn't been eating or sleeping. I cried all the time when I was alone. And I missed him, my heart was broken by a love that I never should have allowed it to feel.

I was lying on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, the cats spread out on top of me and some sappy love story playing on the TV when there was a loud knock on my door. I jumped at the sound and the cats ran out of the room.

My heart was racing and I knew, I just knew it was him. "Who is it?" I called through the door.

"Bella, please, I have to see you, just open the door," It was Edward's desperate voice blasting through the only thing keeping us apart, my door.

I slowly unlocked the deadbolt and pulled the door open only a crack, "What are you doing here, Edward?" My eyes took him in, he was soaking wet, hair matted to his head, like he'd ran through a rain storm to get here.

"I'm...Bella...please?" Was all he managed to get out before I pulled the door all the way open and waved him in.

"Let me get you a towel." I quietly said as he dripped all over the floor.

"A towel?" He questioned, then looked at himself, "OH GOD, I'm so sorry, I didn't even realize I was so wet." He started to apologize as I waved him off, making my way to the bathroom to grab a few large towels.

"Why are you here, Edward?" I said as I handed one to him and used the other to mop up the floor.

He dropped the towel and grabbed me, "I had to see you. I couldn't stay away any longer. I've tried, Bella, I really have tried. But, I can't do it. Don't you see?" His eyes bore into me crystal clear in their green and golden fire, "I'm in love with you."

I gasped and tried to get out of his arms, "NO, Edward...just no. I will not be responsible for breaking up a marriage." I squirmed and got out of his grip, unable to believe what he'd just said.

"My marriage is as good as over, Bella. It was way before I even met you." He stepped towards me, his whole body leaning into me as I took another step back.

"Then end it, but don't drag me into it. I can't...I'm not...this is not me, Edward. I'm a good person. I'm not a home-wrecker or a girl who is easy. I can't...I just can't." I tried to stay strong in my convictions to the words I'd just professed.

"You are a good person, Bella. You are the best person I know. That's one of the things I love about you." He stepped closer to me again, my back hit the wall and I was trapped in his green gaze.

"Just give me a chance, Bella. I have to have you in my life. I meant it when I said you had me under your spell. You are all I think about. You are all I want and need. I've been a complete mess without you these past three weeks." He confessed and rambled and put his arms on the wall around my head.

"Please give me a chance." He begged with his eyes as I fought to breathe.

"Edward, you're married. You aren't mine to have. Don't do this to me." I begged right back, knowing that if he kissed me again, I was done for. Because my body was already raging with need on the inside and there was no way I could deny him if he touched me.

"Bella, I love you." He said before he leaned in and captured my lips. His kiss was soft and reverent, like he was memorizing ever sensation of the moment we were sharing. I felt myself melt into him as his arms enclosed around me, pulling my body to his. Our tongues crashed together and we both moaned at the feel of the other.

He pulled me deep into him and folded his body around me as we kissed and nipped and bit at each other before he pulled back, "I love you, Bella. With every ounce of myself, I love you." His eyes searched mine for something, anything...

"I love you too, Edward." I breathed, finally saying the words out loud for him to hear before his lips took mine once again. He picked me up and carried me to the couch as we continued to kiss and feel and let our hands roam over each other's body.

He pulled back, placed both hands on either side of my face, forcing me to look him in the eyes, "Say you'll be mine." He almost begged with his eyes as his voice said the words.

"I'm already yours," I replied in a whisper.

"Oh Bella, for the first time in oh so long, I am happy." His eyes lit up and that special smile broke out across his face. "Are you happy?" He asked as he rubbed my cheeks with his thumbs.

"Edward." I sighed. "I want to be happy but you aren't mine to have." I moved to get off his lap but he held me in place.

"Those are just semantics, Bella. I'll file for divorce on Monday, if it'll make you happy." His voice sounded serious and confident. I looked at him, took his words to heart.

"That would make me very happy." I replied and let a small smile fall upon my face.

"I want to make you happy, I want to love you and live with you and have babies with you." He said as he placed kisses all over my face.

I giggled at his giddiness, "Babies?" I said completely thrown that he went there with this conversation.

"Yes, babies, and I don't mean more cats." Edward chuckled and pulled me tighter against him.

"I want to make love to you, Bella. I want to show you how I feel about you. I want you to feel my love pouring out of my soul. I've never felt this way about anyone. I've never wanted anything as badly as I want you." His words made me light-headed and thrilled as his lips took mine and our passion quickly ignited again.

I pulled back this time, "Edward, we have to slow down. I'm just..." I hesitated, "I'm just not sure about this whole situation at the moment. I'm confused and excited and having your body this close to mine causes my head to be cloudy." I wanted him more than anything but he was married. He wasn't free. And I wasn't sure that I could make love to man that belonged to another, that just wasn't who I was.

"Bella, I am yours in every way already. The legal stuff, it doesn't matter. I'll fix it. I'll make all that go away. But please, baby, please, let me show you what you mean to me." He pleaded and rubbed his hands up and down my arms. "I promise I'll make you see I mean what I say."

It was the first promise he made to me...and the first that he broke.

**Present Day**

Seth's arm around my waist brought me little comfort as the preacher spoke of Edward's accomplishments as a young man, through the sports he played and succeeded at as well as the accolade's he accomplished with medical breakthroughs in the beginning of his medical career.

"Are you okay?" Seth whispered in my ear.

I shook my head in response.

"Do you want to leave?" He held me a little tighter.

Again, I shook my head in response.

**Forty-two years ago**

Edward carried me to my bed, laid me down and moved to hover over me. "Bella, I've dreamed of this moment since that first lunch we shared in the quad." His voice carried over me as he began removing my clothes. "I've wanted to worship your body, feel your skin, taste you, more than anything else in this world." He said as he pulled my pajama top over my head.

He sat back on his heels, taking in my naked breasts, "You have the most beautiful skin, it calls to me. I have laid in bed at night, yearning for the time to touch it, feel the softness of it under my finger, the taste of it on tongue and the mesh of it against my own." He continues to speak as he removes my pajama bottoms and underwear.

He gasps once I'm fully nude. "You are my heaven." He whispers as he leans down to place his lips against one of my nipples.

I immediately tense up at the feel of his mouth on my puckered skin, the wetness of his tongue against my exposed flesh. I can't stop my hands from clasping around his head, holding him there, moaning around the feeling of desperation for him not to stop. He moves to the other breast, taking that nipple deep in his mouth, suckling hard and moaning around my skin. His other hand slowly moves down my stomach, a finger swirling as his hand inches further down my body.

His head pulls back and his eyes meet mine, "Please?" His eyes scream for acceptance and I feel the heat of his own body against my thigh.

I nod my head once as he leans down to kiss me, placing a bit of his body weight on me as his hand slides down my hair covered sex. He slowly runs a finger through the slit, gathering the wetness and twirling it around in the hair that covers my pussy. He spreads my lips with two fingers as his thumb finds my clit and I jolt into an arch, having been void of a touch there for so long.

"Baby, I can't wait to make love to you if you are this receptive to just my touch." He coos in my ear as he moves to sit up and rid himself of his clothes.

As he pulls his shirt over his head, I gasp at the sight of his beautiful body, he's got a tattoo of some sort over his right pec and it ignites my body even more, knowing he had that hidden from view. He quickly removes his pants and I keep my eyes on his, nervous and a little anxious about taking in the rest of his body.

"Feel what you do to me, Bella?" He said as he took my hand and wrapped it around his hardened shaft, keeping his hand wrapped around mine. He laid down beside me, half over me, as our hands moved up and down a few times, allowing me to feel the length and width of him.

My breathing is erratic and I fight hard to keep still as we lie there, completely bare and moments away from taking this step that will forever alter the way we live our lives.

"Please, Edward." I am able to force out, as I feel him move between my legs, spreading me open with his knees and settling his weight above me.

"Look at me, Bella." His voice is soft but commanding as I open my eyes and cast my gaze upon him. He lines himself up and slowly starts to push inside of me. "I love you, Bella."

"I love you too, Edward." I respond and fight to hold myself still as he inches himself inside of me.

Once he's all the way in, he stills and gives me a minute to adjust as it's tight in there and I haven't had sex in almost four years. "You okay, baby?" He asks.

I nod my head and he starts to move, "You feel like heaven, Bella. Fuck, it feels so good to be inside of you." He says as he starts to thrust a little faster and a little deeper which caused my hips to thrust up, too.

"You feel so good, Edward." I pull on his shoulders, needing him close, as he leans down over me. I put my hands under his shoulders and wrap my legs around him.

"Baby, you feel so good, just like I knew you would. You are mine, Bella. Fuck you feel good." He says as he continues moving inside of me, increasing his speed.

I can't fight the moans that escape my mouth at the pleasure his body is bringing to mine. "Just give in, Bella, don't fight it." He whispers in my ear before he kisses me.

I can't hold back anymore, I let all my guards all down and the rush of emotions overwhelm me as the orgasm rips through my body. I'm his, all of me and he knows it in that moment.

My body is wrapped around his but my heart is open wide as he pours his love into it, filling me in a way that I've never known before or since. We ride out our highs, bodies on fire and hearts beating out of control.

We struggle to get as close to each other as possible, like we know it's a fleeting moment that we might never have again, even though the words he's whispering in my ear are his reassurances of forever, true love and happiness.

My heart believes him but my head is so clouded it scares me because I can't see through the fog surrounding me. The haze of his love is like an intoxicant that softens the senses and the enormity of our actions like a relaxant that renders you immovable. I don't know what to do, or how to think so I just concentrate on the green eyes and the soft voice and the unending touches passing between us.

"Heaven." He whispers as I fall asleep in his arms.

We make love twice more throughout the night and early morning before he whispers that he must leave, he must go deal with world outside our sheltered existence. I shower with him, washing away the remainder of my scent on him and his on me, not realizing it would become a tradition for us. The washing away of our love, our passion, so that the world outside our bubble would be none the wiser.

As he dresses in his stiff clothes from the rainy night before, I watch his every move, memorizing the way his muscles look under the shirt he slipped back on.

There are frantic goodbye kisses and hands that linger a bit too long before the door clicks behind him, leaving me all alone.

"Hell on earth..." I say to the now empty and void room.

Little did I know how true that statement would become over the next month as Edward kept reassuring me that things were progressing towards a divorce with Tanya. Although, I knew better, I started to have sex on a regular basis with Edward. I couldn't get enough of him, nor could he of me.

He'd come over before work and wake me up, using the key I'd given him to my apartment. We'd make love until the last minute before time forced us to give in to the world around us and go to work.

Edward wound up leasing one of the resident apartments in the Hospitals building across the street so we'd have a place to go to at lunch or after my shift on his breaks when he was on a twenty-four shift.

Our time together became easier as he withdrew more and more from his life with Tanya, as she traveled around Europe with her girlfriends or traveled to Alaska to visit her family.

Their time apart meant more time for me to grow more dependent on Edward, of our love, to delve into building a life with a married man. I became very good at working around his schedule and being available to him at the drop of a hat.

Those first two and half months were full of bliss and romantic moments filled with lots and lots of sex. I'd never had someone come into my life that made me feel so whole.

And then, the first crash of my heart hit, causing me to hit the concrete bottom shattering my open and now vulnerable heart.

Tanya returned from her Alaskan trip just short of being gone three full months. How she could stand to be away from this man for that long is beyond my comprehension but she did. However, her return turned my life upside down.

I hadn't seen Edward outside of work for almost a week upon her return, it was a Friday in late September. Tanya showed up on the floor, "Is Edward around?" She asked one of the other nurses sitting at the station as I watched her from the end of the counter.

"He's just finishing up with a patient, Mrs. Cullen, he'll be right out." Jean answered with a smile.

"We haven't seen you in a while, how are you?" My co-worker asked as Tanya broke out into a huge grin, then looked around, spying me and narrowing her eyes.

"I'm wonderful, didn't Edward tell you? We're expecting our first child." She exclaimed and tossed her honey colored ponytail over her shoulder.

"What?" I accidentally said out loud.

"I found out I was pregnant when I was in Alaska. We're going for our first doctor's appointment today. That's why I'm here, Edward's going with me." She said with a light laugh while her eyes watched my every reaction.

"Congratulations." I forced out of my mouth, as my insides were screaming at me to run.

Just then I heard his voice coming from the room behind me and I knew the moment he'd taken in the scene before him as he called, "Nurse Swan, can I see you for a moment?"

"Hi, babe, I'll be there in just a second." He said to Tanya over my shoulder.

"Okay, baby, but hurry, our appointment is in ten minutes." She said with a sickly sweet tone.

"Nurse Swan?" He called me again.

I turned and glared at him as I made my way to the small conference room at the end of the hall. I walked in and kept my back to the door, willing the tears to stay in my eyes. I did not want him to see me cry.

"Bella," he said softly, trying to will me to turn around. "I didn't know until she told me two days ago." I slowly turned around to find him pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers.

"Two days, Edward? You've known about this for two fucking days and didn't think it was important enough to tell me? ME? The one you SAY YOU LOVE?" I said, my voice full of anger and venom.

"Bella, I haven't had a moment alone with you in a week. We haven't had time to talk and I didn't want to tell you in a note or over the phone." He admitted, his shoulders sagging in defeat.

"Just go, Edward. Your pregnant wife is waiting. You know, the one you are MARRIED to," I barked and stormed out of the room, pulling away as he tried to grab me on the way out.

It was the second night I cried myself to sleep over Edward Cullen.

**Present Day**

The preacher was still talking about the man lying in the box, waiting to go to his final resting place in the ground, "Edward was a family man. He and his wife Tanya would have celebrated forty-three years of marriage this May. They raised two sons, Masen and Ethan and a beautiful daughter, Katerina. He and Tanya were blessed with four grandchildren, Eli, Keagan, Dylan and Lilly."

I tuned him out. My ears only heard the names because I'd listened to tales of them over the years as if I'd known them first hand. I should have known them firsthand.

I should have been their family.

But they were never meant to be mine, either.

**A/n: I have to warn you now, the next few chapters will be particularly rough. They are heavy and have pain riddled throughout. Hang in there, please.**

**Again, I appreciate all of the support that I've received over this story. Of all the personal bits of myself that I've sprinkled in a few of my other fics, this one is truly laiden with an enormous amount of my own personal conversations, situations and pain. **

**Til next week, Kyla**


	4. Chapter 4 Learning to live a lie

**Chapter 4 Learning to live a lie**

**A/n: Thank you to all of you who have stuck with this story. I know it isn't easy to read. Trust me, it wasn't easy to write, either. But, it's been so soul-cleansing for me.**

**I've tried to respond to all the reviews. If I've missed some, I sincerely apologize.**

**Present Day**

Edward's son got up to speak, his bronze hair waved in the small wind that swirled around in the air.

"My father was a force of nature. His heart was as good as gold and his word was as strong as the oak tree still growing in the backyard of our childhood home. He was gentle and kind. He was confident and reserved. But my father was an ever present source in all our lives. Looking around at all the faces here to honor him, it reminds me that it wasn't just our lives that he touched and left his mark on." Masen paused and wipe a few tears that had managed to escape his eyes.

I felt my whole body tense as I listened to his words. I knew that if the truth were to come out, it would have vastly changed the views of those around me, mostly including his family.

I watched Tanya's head bow and she appeared to wipe a tear from her eye as Laurent stepped up behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder. Her hand came up to rest on his.

I had to look away.

She had the love of _my_ life in her clutches and chose to hold onto him for appearances sake, even though she too, loved another.

I hated her in that moment. She got to bury _my_ life, _my_ love, _my_ existence and go on to continue her love affair.

**Forty-two years ago**

I hadn't spoken to Edward in almost three weeks and my life had slipped back into the realm of the mundane. I went to work, I went home. I slept or I cried.

I didn't talk to Angela much. She tried, in vain, to get me talk to her but it was no use. I didn't want to see the pity or judgment in her eyes. I didn't want to discuss everything I'd done 'wrong' in my allowing a relationship to start between Edward and I.

I had enough guilt of my own. And the anger sometimes over shadowed the guilt.

Edward hadn't stopped trying to apologize to me, however. He left flowers on my doorstep almost daily. He flooded my answering machine. He slipped notes or cards into my locker at work.

He begged me to talk to him. He cried outside my door on Friday nights.

But I held strong and cried, quietly on the other side of the door, lying on the floor as he professed his undying love for me.

One Saturday morning, I was expecting the maintenance man from the apartment complex as I was having an issue with my thermostat. So the early morning knock on the door didn't surprise me or cause me concern, but when I opened the door to see Edward standing there, I was flabbergasted.

"Why are you here?" I demanded.

"Bella, you have to talk to me at some point. We have to talk this through, work it out. Please?" He begged me with his eyes and his whole body shook with need.

"Fine, come in and say what you think I need to hear, then get the hell out." I let the anger settle over me, as I ushered him into the living room.

He moved to sit on the sofa but I chose to sit in the chair across the room, needing the distance, physically, from him.

"God, Bella, I've missed you more than you can imagine." He paused and stared at me, his eyes drinking me in as I fidgeting under his gaze. "You look beautiful, baby." He whispered.

"Don't Edward. Just don't. You aren't going to 'baby' me out of this one. You are married. Your wife is pregnant. Don't I deserve that for myself? Being with you isn't going to give me that. I can't do this with you anymore." I had to catch my breath as I hadn't taken one once I started berating him.

"Bella, don't say those things. I want them with you. I do. I always will. I love you with all of my heart and soul. This is just a set back. A small bump in the road before we can be together for good." He stood up and crossed the room to sit on his knees before me. He grasped my hands, pulling them to his mouth peppering small kisses over my knuckles.

I pulled my hands back and snapped at him, "What? I'm supposed to wait around for the next eighteen years while you play husband and father with your real family?"

He cringed and looked at me with tears in his eyes, "No, Bella, I would never ask you to do that. But I want a life with you. I'm just asking for a little time, I need to figure out how to make this all work." his voice no louder than a whisper.

"Please, Bella, my Bella, please just give me time. I need you. I'm miserable without you. I love you so much." His pleas roared my heart to life and filled my head with that cloudiness his words bestow upon it.

"Edward." I pleaded as I closed my eyes and felt the tears fall. "I just don't know if I can do this. I want you to much. I need you to much. But you aren't mine to have." I opened my eyes to see the liquid tears fall from those green eyes, filled with sadness.

"Bella, you said you would be mine. You said you loved me too." His voice cracked as he spoke of my love.

"I do, Edward, oh God you know I do," I said as I moved a piece of hair off his forehead, "but you still aren't mine to have." My voice was weak and faltering.

"I am yours in all ways but one, Bella. My heart belongs only to you." He whispered before he leaned in to kiss me.

I stopped his lips with the words that poured from my mouth, "In all but the most important way."

He leaned back and closed his eyes, as he pinched the bridge of his nose, "Bella, that's only a piece of paper, I've told you that it means nothing to me. I don't love Tanya. I love you." He declared.

"And the baby?" I replied hastily.

His face twisted into an uneasy expression. "Yes, I love my child." His voice was almost non-existent.

"So how, Edward, how do you expect to have me and this child in your life without Tanya making life miserable for all of us?" I questioned.

"I don't know, but I know that I can't live without you. Please, we'll find some way to make this work for now. Please, say you'll at least try." His hands clasped around mine and his eyes glared into mine with a ferocious intensity that melted me inside.

I fought to say no, it was on the tip of my tongue. But I couldn't form my lips around the word. I slowly nodded my head as the tears continued to stream from my eyes. I knew that I had just given him what he'd needed while I got very little in return.

"God, I've missed you Bella," he said, pulling me into his arms and welding his body around mine. "Please, I have to feel you...I have to be inside of you." He whispered in my ear as his lips started to taste the skin exposed to him. "Please, Bella, let me show you my love," he said the words against my lips before he slid his tongue against mine.

He felt me nod as he picked me up and carried me to my bedroom. He was slow in the process, taking his time to make me feel worshiped and adored. His touch bringing my body to heights of pleasure that cracked me wide open, once again.

Edward made love to me with the feel of his love, heavy against my body, under the weight of the it all, forcing us to cling to one another. I felt the rapid beats of his heart as he came inside of me, his struggle to breath as he pulsed deep within my body, as the tears fell from my eyes.

Our love was going to shatter us both.

**Present Day**

"If they only knew the truth, huh?" Seth whispered in my ear.

I looked up at him, sending my agreement in my eyes before a small nod of my head confirmed it.

"You deserved better. I always told him that." He sounded so sincere in his words. I didn't want to believe them though.

Masen continued to speak about Edward as a man and a father, never having had the knowledge of the heart ache that his father went through or the pain that the birth of his children bestowed upon his torn heart.

Those were words that would never be spoken aloud in this crowd.

But my heart will always remember the pain and the tears. The hurt their precious lives condemned upon my life.

"He is so much like his father, and he doesn't even know it." Seth spoke in my ear.

"Edward knew." I replied quietly.

"He did?" Seth questioned.

I only nodded my head in agreement, recalling the conversation between Edward and I just a few short weeks ago. Where he shared with me that he knew his son was having an affair and was unsure how to handle the situation.

I glanced at Masen, torn between loving him for the man he was born to and hating him for becoming the man his father was.

**Forty-two years ago**

Edward and I spent the day in my bed, we talked and made plans and but continued to make love over and over. We made up for the time apart, he apologized with his body for the pain I'd experienced and I relented that this was the fate of my destiny, in love.

As the sun started to set on the day, he reluctantly pulled away, "I have to leave, my love." He whispered as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

"I know." I replied with a sigh.

"It won't always be this way, Bella. I promise you that." His words were forceful and confident.

"I know," I replied again, my mind recalled the first broken promise he'd left me with. I knew this was going to be a routine between us. His making a promise that he couldn't keep, my acceptance of his false words.

"I'll call you tonight, when I can get away, okay?" Edward's eyes pled for understanding and acceptance.

"Just whenever you can. I'll be here." I answered, knowing that I would be counting down the minutes for the phone to ring, once he walked out the door of my apartment.

He dressed in silence as I lay nude, in my bed, as I watched his every move. "I love you, Edward." I said into the air, wishing that my words would change the fact that he had to leave me to go home to his wife.

He stopped putting on his shoes and turned to me, "As I love you, Bella." He paused for a moment, letting his eyes soak me all in then turned and finished his task of dressing.

"I'll lock the door behind me, so you can rest, sweet girl." He said as he moved to the bedroom door, he looked back once more, winked, gave me that special smile and moved through the apartment.

Once I heard the tell-tale click of the lock on the front door, I crawled into a ball and let the tears flow.

I'm in love with a married man. A man who is about to become a father. A man who lies down to sleep at night with a woman that isn't me.

I want to hate her. I want to wish her dead. But I can't, as the tears fall from my eyes, all I can wish is that I were her, living that life, being his wife.

We settle into a new routine over the course of time, where he showed up before work, usually around four am, we made love, we showered, we go to work. We took lunch at his apartment across the street, but food was rarely involved. We spent Wednesday and Friday nights wrapped in each others arms.

This has become my life as the other woman.

I lied to my parents. I lied to my friends. I lied to my co-workers. They all knew that something had happened in my life, that there was 'someone' but I refused to speak of it with any of them.

Then one day, I get an invitation in the mail. It was blue and had little white bunnies around the lining of the envelope. Curiously, I opened it, unsure of what to expect, but never expected what it was.

An invitation to Edward and Tanya's baby shower. Apparently, as an old college 'friend' of Tanya's and a co-worker of Edward's I warranted an invitation.

He was insistent that I be there once I showed it to him. He informed me of the guest list, assured me that several other co-workers will be there, so I won't be left to my own devices.

He's overjoyed at the fact that he's having a son and was beside himself that I'll be a part of his celebration. I, on the other hand, dreaded the moment I had to step foot into that house and knew that it would never belong to me, nor would the first born son or child that belonged to Edward.

It was the first time, I realized how selfish he was in our relationship. He asked too much this time, only I don't realize it until much to late.

I dressed for the shower in the same blue dress I wore to the museum, hoping it would help to spark his eye and remind him that he had made promises to me. Promises he continued to fail to keep and hurt he'd littered my heart with.

I arrived approximately fifteen minutes late, on purpose, so as to avoid the awkward single introductions. Thankfully, I'm not the only one to arrive late and was able to blend in with the arriving crowd. Only to be singled out a short time later, when his sister, Alice is introduced to me.

"So you are the illustrious Bella I've heard so much about." Her voice rang with a hint of curiosity that I was unsure of.

I blushed, "I guess so," I managed to reply, though I was completely perplexed that she knew who I was.

Alice attached herself to me at various times throughout the party, whispering things in my ear that left me completely confused.

"You know he doesn't love her." She told me at one point, as the happy couple are posed for pictures.

"He has nothing but nice things to say about you in conversation." Alice confided in me as food was passed around the room.

"His eyes light up, when he speaks of you, in a way I've never seen before," she spilled into my ear as they opened gifts and showed off the contents of the various boxes or bags.

"Bella, can we have lunch sometime?" She asked as I prepared to leave.

"Um, sure, Alice, that would be nice," I replied, I thought that there was no way in hell I would actually follow through with any plans that we made.

She pulled me, suddenly, into a side room and grabbed both of my shoulders, "I know that he's in love with you, Bella. Make him see that this is not the life he wants. Show him that he can walk away and be happy with you." Her eyes shined through mine as I was utterly floored by the words she'd just spoken to me.

I didn't even know what to say in response. "I don't know what you are talking about," I lied.

"You are a horrible liar, Bella." Alice giggled and then pulled me into a hug. "I wish he'd met you first." She said into my hair, a hint of sadness billowed from her voice.

Alice pulled back, patted my arms, "I'll call you next week, we'll do lunch and talk, okay?"

I was just about to nod when the door flew opened and Edward's eyes scanned between Alice's face and mine, he searched for answers about our secret rendezvous.

"Everything okay in here?" He asked non-chalantly.

"More than okay, Big Brother," Alice giggled, patted his shoulder and closed the door behind her.

Edward stepped in front of me, "Are you alright? I haven't gotten to speak more than two words to you all night, as my sister seems to have stolen you from me, every time." His eyes bore into mine, as he searched for my answer.

"I'm fine, Edward. A little confused, but otherwise, I survived." I replied, still thoroughly perplexed by the events I've just withstood.

"Alice knows." He spoke out loud.

"Ya think?" I tried to joke.

"I told her." He responded and tried gauge my reaction.

"What?" I tried not to shriek as my eyes bulge wide open. I'm torn between feeling like a sleazy girlfriend sleeping with a pregnant woman's husband and a dirty little secret being shown off to the crowd.

"She knows me to well, she called me on it a few weeks ago and I finally confessed it all to her. She loves me and she'll adore you. She absolutely hates Tanya so that's in your favor." He tried to joke about this subject, which gave me no more sense of ease than the fact that I'd just spent the past two and half hours in a room with almost his entire family and his pregnant wife.

"I have to go, Edward. I can't be here anymore." I quietly spoke.

"Bella, I'll try and come by tonight, we should talk, alright?" He said as he pulled me into his arms.

"If you can, Edward. Don't cause a problem, really." I reluctantly replied as I leaned into his lips for a soft, quick kiss before I pulled out of his arms and scurried out of the room.

He didn't come to me that night, or for the next week, to be exact.

Tanya's family from Alaska had come to town for the birth of the baby, so he was busy with obligations to his family, his married family.

The only time we had together were the moments we stole away in his little leased apartment, which didn't account for more than a quick fuck and whispered promises, false in their profession.

I dreaded the birth of his child, because I knew the short amount of time that I had with him now, would only dwindle further once that prodigal son was born.

And the lies would get harder and harder to believe, when he spoke them.

**Present Day**

"Do you wish you'd walked away in the beginning?" Seth asked in my ear.

I nodded my head in response.

"Was it harder to live in the lie or without the love?" He asked, he pushed me a little to hard, I thought.

"Both." I answered truthfully. "But the love was the only thing that made it worth it." I spoke as I returned to listening to Edward's son finish his speech.

"My father, Dr. Edward Anthony Cullen, knew what love was. He showed it to all he came in contact with, to all his patients, to all his friends and certainly to all his family. I believe that above all the accomplishments he made in life, that should be the one that's remembered the most; his love that knew no boundaries."

He had no idea the truth behind those words, I thought, as another round of tears fell from my eyes.

Edward's love that was never to be mine alone.

**A/n: I'm dying to hear what you think of this one. What do you think about Alice? I know most of you hate or loathe Edward. It's because you haven't heard from him, not that anything excuses his behavior. But, hang in there. He really does love her. That I firmly know and believe.**

**I'll see ya next week. In the meantime for something light, smutty or funny check out my other two WIPs, Please Pass the Peas or Fantasy Granted.**

**Kyla**


	5. Chapter 5 Winds of Change Bring Pain

**A/n: Thank you all for returning and continuing to keep an open mind while reading.**

**We're about to hit some pivotal points to the story, as if you weren't already, BUCKLE UP!**

**I must say a huge thank you to my team, my twifey, lvntwiligh09, my sissy, reyes139 and my beta/guru, bnjwl. You ladies amaze me, continually, with your love, devotion and support. I've truly been blessed with lifelong friends in the three of you. I LOVE YOU! MWAH~**

**Present Day**

Emmett stood to speak next and I cringed at the sight of him. Seth caught my unease and tightened his grip around me.

Emmett was still just as large in stature as he was when I met him over forty some odd years ago. He was a little pudgy around the middle and his hair was completely grey, but his heart was still true to the woman he had always loved, even though she'd passed away over fifteen years ago.

"My little brother was always the typical middle child. He was always the one that complained that I got more than he did or that our baby sister got special treatment. Edward never felt like life treated him fairly." He paused and let out a little laugh. "But I think with all the people gathered around here today, he'd realize that he was the most cherished of us all. He was a spitting image of our father with the coloring of our mother, the perfect combination of them both. It always left me and Squirt to believe that we'd been the milkman's or the mailman's children." There was a combined laugh from the crowd and Edward's family at the joke Emmett had just made.

"When we lost our father, twenty-five years ago, it was Edward that stepped up and took the role of head of the family. He filled our father's shoes with grace and dignity, he proved to us all once again that he was indeed a Cullen through and through." He paused, wiped a few tears and resumed his speech.

"Then when we lost mom, five years ago, it was Edward who had to be carried through the process, as she was the real warrior that he drew his strength from."

I vividly remember the night's I'd held Edward after his mother's death, as my own tears for his parents, fell at their rememberance. Both Esme and Carlisle had become like my own parents, through the years. I mourned their deaths just as deeply as their own children had.

"Now, I wonder which of you," he points to the row of family sitting directly in front of him, "will step up to fill the enormous shoes left empty by the passing of my little brother."

Emmett and Edward had not always been in each other's good graces, but I knew deep down that they loved each other so fiercely because of the bond their mother had enforced when they were younger.

**Forty-one years ago**

Alice and I had a standing lunch date every Wednesday for almost the past six months. She had become my closest friend and confidant, as well as my biggest support system, in regards to my relationship with her brother.

"Bella, it's time that you kick Edward's ass to the curb, honey." Alice's voice was full of piss and vinegar today. "I mean, that baby ain't a baby anymore and there is no excuse whatsoever for you to be putting up with this crap."

Alice had been extremely vocal towards Edward about his decision to stall on getting divorced. I, for one, was in agreement with her sentiments. However, I didn't want to fight with Edward about it any longer, I was tired.

As Edward was in a crucial part of his residency and in the running for head of the Surgical Oncology department, our time had grown even more limited. So I tended not to bring up subjects that would cause us to spend our precious time n a fight.

"I know, Alice, but he hasn't brought it up to me in weeks." I sighed as I replied and met her fiery gaze.

"So do something about it, Bella. Don't let him continue to use you this way. He needs to dump the ice queen once and for all. She'd never deny him that child, she knows our family has too much clout in this town. The most hurtful thing she could do would be to drag him to Alaska to live and you and I both know she won't do that. She's too much of a city girl for the life of a snow bunny." Alice angrily spouted.

Tanya and Edward had had a particularly nasty fight when Masen was around three months old and she'd left with the baby for over a month. Edward was completely despondent because he didn't have any access to his son for that length of time.

I had held him every night they were gone when he was home from the hospital. I had begged him to meet with the attorney to start the divorce and custody paperwork, but he stalled. He said he didn't want to temp fate and push Tanya to stay there permanently. He wanted to wait until she came home and discuss it with her in person.

While I wanted him to get divorced and hated that Edward didn't have access to his son, I was secretly happy that she'd been gone so long. It gave me the chance to have him all to myself. I wrapped my life around him twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

When she finally came home, Edward took an emergency week off of work to 're-bond' with his son and try to placate things with his wife. I didn't get to see him for more than a few hours a week for the first month that they were home because any time not spent at work was spent caring for and bonding with his child. 

I was jealous of that damn baby.

"Edward, I don't think I can do this anymore." I said as we lay in my bed at five in the morning, we watched the sun come up in our post-coital haze.

His eyes burned green into my brown ones, "What do you mean?" His voice was hoarse and exhausted.

"The early morning quickies, the stolen moments at lunch time. I mean I have to watch the clock and hope and pray that you'll be able to steal a few hours of time to grace me with your presence. I just don't think I can do it anymore. You aren't ever going to leave her." I said as I rolled out of his arms and moved to sit on the side of the bed. I needed separation from him so I pulled my silk robe on to cover my defensiveness around him.

He sat up in the bed with a look of shock upon his face, "Bella, I want nothing more than to be rid of Tanya, but Masen...I can't just leave him. Bella, he's my son. She'll take him from me. You know how much he means to me."

I looked away, I struggled to hold back the tears that threatened to fall, "So where does that leave me, Edward?" My eyes focused on the sun that broke through the horizon outside.

"Bella, I love you, I always will but right now I'm giving you all that I have to offer. What can I do to change your mind?" His voice was unsteady as he tried to pull me back to him.

"I think we should take a break. I think you should figure out what it is that you actually want from this relationship. Because I want more than this," I waved my hand around the bed and his nude body. "I want the fairy tale." I whispered as a tear slid down my cheek.

"Right now, that isn't possible Bella." His voice strained through the thick tension that built in the air around us. I sat on the window seat and continued to take in the morning light. I listened to him rise out of the bed and retreat to the bathroom to shower, once again, to wash away the scent of me on his body, to keep the world oblivious to our love.

I called in to work that morning, I let them know that I was sick and unable to come in for my shift, something I had never done in the four years of my employment. When Edward finished up his shower and returned to the bedroom to dress, he questioned me, "Aren't you going to get ready?"

"I'm not going in to work today." I replied without a single glance at him. I couldn't look at him for so many reasons, most of them were angry reasons. I just couldn't bear to look at him right now.

"Bella, come on, baby, this is just another bump in the road, we'll get past this." He said as he came to sit next to me, his large hands came to rest on my thighs. I glanced from his hands on my thighs to his face and back again. I couldn't believe that he would use the one thing he knew I couldn't resist against me, his touch.

I shook my head as the tears streamed out of my eyes and down my face, "No, Edward, I don't think so." I said through the choked sobs in my throat.

"Bella, I have to go or I'll be late for surgery. Stay home and rest today, okay, but I'll try and come by when my shift is over. We'll work through this, okay baby?" His eyes full of worry as I looked to him and gave a slight nod, just to appease him.

"I love you, Bella." He said as he rose and kissed my forehead before he left me alone, once again.

"I love you too..." I said to the empty room.

A few hours later, I called Alice, "I think I need to find a new job." I quietly confessed through the phone.

"Finally." Alice sighed with something akin to relief. "You need to get a fresh start, take a stand for yourself, Bella. And I think I might have a solution."

A few hours later Alice called me to inform me that she knew of a doctor that needed a charge nurse to help run his practice and that the job was mine, if I was interested. Little did I know what a lion's den that I was being thrown into when I so readily agreed.

It turns out that Dr. Carlisle Cullen was the doctor tha was in need of a nurse and I was now right in the big middle of a family that I loved but would never be able to call my own.

Edward was outraged at everyone when I revealed to him what I had done. He was angry at me that '_I'd left him alone at the hospital'_, and that I had _'taken away the little moments of stolen time we'd had together'._

He was angry at his sister because he said she interfered in our relationship and brought his parents into the mix.

He was angry at his father because he stole me away as well, all of this was unbeknownst to his father, however.

But most of all, I think he was angry at himself because he was too scared to do anything to stop the changes.

I had refused to see him for almost a month when I finally gave in to his pleas to go away together for a weekend. He had a conference to attend in Denver and had insisted that I go with him, to celebrate our one year anniversary and to reconnect.

I was hesitant but relished the idea of having him all to myself for the short seventy-two hours that we'd be alone, together.

Carlisle was all too amenable to let me take a few days off to go visit my father, of course he never realized that I would be on the same flight as his middle son. That I would spend the weekend in a hotel room making love to his married middle son.

Alice was skeptical and was more than a little angry at Edward for even asking me to go in the first place. "Edward, you need to divorce Tanya. You don't love her. Hell, you don't even like her, according to what you tell me." Alice angrily admonished him as we sat at my small dining room table one Friday night, as we ate pizza and drank beer.

I hated when she had these conversations in front of me, to hear her re-tell them to me in later conversations was bad enough.

"Enough Alice." Edward said through gritted teeth as his palms slammed down on the table. His actions startled me and I tried in vain to get him to make eye contact with me, I just hoped to calm him down with my look.

"I'm just saying Edward. It isn't fair to Bella." Alice said as she gave me a look of pity.

He shoved his chair back from the table and slammed the bedroom door behind him. It was a rare Friday night where he was able to spend it with me, and I had forgotten that I'd made plans with Alice. So we had to compromise and spend the evening all together. However, now I wished she'd just leave so I could spend the remaining hours alone with him.

I gave her a look of longing and plea. "Fine, Bella, I'll go but seriously, this has to stop." Her voice was strained and forceful.

I cleaned up the table, put the pizza away and was getting the trash ready to take the trash shoot when I felt him behind me. "I'm sorry, Bella." His voice was small and full of regret.

"It's okay, Edward. I'm sorry she upset you." I easily replied, not wanting to fight with him about this again.

"That's not it, Bella. I'm sorry that I can't be what you need me to be. I'm sorry I can't give you more. I AM trying to work it out." Edward turned me so that he could see my eyes as he spoke. "I have talked to the lawyer." He whispered.

My eyes went wide, "You have?" I wanted to believe the sincerity of what he'd just said but my head said not to trust him.

"I promised you I would, I will try to set things right to file for divorce. It's just not as easy as my signature on a few forms and it's over." He tried to explain, as if I was too dumb to understand all that the process entailed.

That just pissed me off. "Do you take me for an idiot, Edward?" I snapped at him.

"What? No, baby, I didn't mean it like that. It's just Alice seems to think that it's that easy." He waved his arms around, frantically as he tried to explain things to me.

"Well, I'm not Alice and I certainly think that I know there is more to a divorce and child custody arrangement than a few signatures on a piece of paper. But then again, what do I know, huh? I've never been married and the rate we're going, I never will be." I said as I picked up the trash and stormed out of the apartment.

When I walked back in a few minutes later, Edward sat on the couch with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. I shut and locked the door and moved to sit in the chair across from him, I had an overwhelming sense of dejavu. "Where do we go from here, Edward?" I questioned.

"I don't know, Bella. I simply do not have an answer." He said as he raised his head, his eyes red and his cheeks wet from his tears.

"Don't you think it's high time that you figure it out?" I questioned him again, as I raised an eyebrow at him.

He nodded his head and put his head back in his hands, "How did my life get so screwed up?"

"I tried to tell you that you were never meant to be mine, but you refused to listen." I said as I stood up and went to the bedroom, to get ready for bed. This day had been too long already and I was just ready to sleep it off.

A short time later, he entered the bedroom as I lay in bed, Iattempted to let sleep pull me out of this nightmare. "Can we use next weekend to just be?" He whispered behind me.

"To just be Edward and Bella?" I asked, I wanted to make sure that he truly meant to just sweep it all under the rug again.

"Yes. I just want to go away and enjoy our time together, our freedom to just be a couple in love, away from all the hassles we are faced with here." His voice was heavy, it pleaded in a way his words could not.

"Fine, Edward, but when we get home, there have to be some changes. Serious changes." I gave in because dammit, I deserved what he offered after all he'd put me through. My heart be damned.

He slept wrapped around me that night and slipped out in the early morning hours, when he thought I was asleep when he leaned over, kissed my forehead and said quietly, "I will always love you the most, Bella."

And with those few words he was gone, he left me to spend the day crying over what I was sure to be the destruction of my heart.

Our Denver weekend was one of the most blissful weekends of my life. We were like two young people in love. We touched freely, held hands, and kissed as we walked down the street. We made love all hours of the night and into the morning. Breakfast in bed. We shopped for vacation trinkets. It was what I had imagined our life to be, had he been free from his obligations back home.

He whispered to me his hopes and dreams for our life, as we laid in bed, still high in our post-coital glow. I whispered that my hopes mirrored hopes and dreams but he already knew that.

We both cried and clung to one another in the moments before we left the sanctuary of our hotel suite that Sunday morning.

The airplane ride home was solemn, our hands never left the other's grasp.

When the plane touched down in Seattle, the air around us turned thick and choked me as I stepped off alone. I retreated to my empty apartment, fed my cats and slept through my tears the whole night.

For the next month, there were no changes in how things had been before we left and I was forced to tell Edward I could no longer see him. The hurt in his eyes and defeat in the slump of his shoulders told me that I was doing the right thing because he was no where near'er to being divorced than I was ready to live my life as his dirty little secret.

One Friday night six weeks later, he showed up in a fit of desperation, he begged me to take him back, he said all the things I needed to hear him say, once again. False promises were made and hope was hanging in the balance once again. Our bodies folded upon one another and joined as one, the sparks of our love flew freely as we gave ourselves over again to the love that bound us to one another.

And again, I awoke to an empty and cold bed the next morning. I forbid myself to cry over him, yet again, I picked myself up and carried on with my solitary life.

Alice was always there to hold me as I cried, she forced me to move forward in my life and she held my hand when I peed on the stick that would forever change my life.

**Present day**

"How long had it been, Bella?" Seth's voice rang me from my memories.

"It would have been forty-three years this August." I quietly answered.

"Wow." He replied softly.

It had been a life full of wow moments...both good and bad.

"Some things were just never meant to be what they should have been." I said.

"Or some things that were, never should have been." He said as his gentle eyes looked down upon my wet ones.

"No, they were just never to be mine." I said in all honesty.

**A/n: soooo...things are about to get even angstier with a few happy times thrown in...see ya next week.**

**Kyla**


	6. Chapter 6 Hope is heavy

**A.n: THank you for your patience in the delay of today's posting. RL yada, yada, yada.**

**So, here we are again. This chapter isn't quite as heavy but it's setting up the for the next round of drama. To be honest, this is one of my favorite chapters, if such a thing in this story exists.**

**Again, I appreciate all of you that are reading and reveiwing this one. And, I've really enjoyed the stories that some of you have shared with me regarding similar situations.**

**I adore you all and wish I could hug each and every one of you.**

**Present Day**

The sun starts to peak through the clouds as the mist dries up a little, Seth shifts his feet, like he's uncomfortable as I look up at him, his face is in a grimace.

I turn to follow his line of sight as I see Alice stand to move to the small podium by Edward's coffin.

While I loved Edward, in a secret relationship that had to be hidden from the world. Seth loved Alice, secretly with the confines of his heart, hidden from the world.

Seth and Alice had dated briefly when Seth was in College and Alice was still in High School. But Edward had given them so much shit about it, they broke up. Seth never got over Alice, she was his first and only love. Regardless of the two failed marriages he'd endured.

We were the same, in that we both loved the first person to steal our hearts, for the whole of our lives.

"You should finally tell her." I whispered to him, grasping his hand a little tighter.

"It's too late for me, Bella." He said through a sigh.

Alice started to speak about the love of her family, the losses they all shared and the secrets that they'll take together, as a family, to the grave. She earns some ooh's and aah's and a laugh or two through her speech.

"There are loves that happen in life that can never be explained to the outside world," Alice spoke.

I knew her eyes were trained on me, even though they were hidden behind the dark, black shades.

"A love so true that to never acknowledge it almost makes it seem as if it were a lie." She said but paused.

"Edward only knew that kind of love; whole-heartedly, even when it was never spoken aloud to those around him." Her voice was shaky but her words were like knives slicing through the shreds of the remaining pieces of my heart.

I knew those words were for me. Even in the end, she's still tried to force him to acknowledge, publicly, his love for me.

"There will not be a day that passes, for the remainder of my life, that I will not miss my brother." Alice said as the tears flowed down her cheeks. "He was always my hero. Even though we fought almost constantly, I have to thank him for the amazing people he brought into my life." She stopped, patted down her cheeks with a handkerchief and continued. "My husband, Jasper, God rest his soul, was one of my brothers best friends."

I felt Seth tense beside me and I wrapped an arm around his waist, to offer him some comfort.

"But there are those unnamed friends, that I still cherish to this day, that Edward was responsible for bringing into my life."

Alice looked down, and I could tell she was fighting back a sob. "My brother may not have always done the right thing, but his heart was truly in the right place, even while his head may have not been." She choked out before her daughter, Savannah, came and helped her back to her seat.

Alice never lost hope in the love that Edward and I shared. Even today.

**Forty years ago**

I was pregnant. My doctor had confirmed it two days ago.

Well, Dr. Cullen, Edward's father, had confirmed it two days ago.

He didn't ask me any questions other than the standard pregnancy questions. He knew that I was single. He knew that I didn't go out much, hell, I'd even gotten Alice to calm her partying ways back to almost non-existent status.

"Are you happy about this, Bella?" Carlisle asked after the exam was complete and I was fully dressed.

I nodded my head, trying with all of my might to keep the tears at bay.

"It's just very unexpected." I calmly replied, not wanting to give anything away, or alert him to the fact that it is his grandchild that I now carry in my womb. Although, he didn't know about Edward's and my relationship, he knew that we'd been friendly at the hospital.

"Well, if you need anything, you know not to hesitate to ask." He said while he patted my knee and finished writing in my chart.

That night when I was laying bed alone, I knew that I needed to see Edward. I was going to have to tell him, eventually. We hadn't spoken in three weeks, so I trudged through the house to get the phone, got settled back into bed and dialed his number.

"Hello?" He answered his voice heavy with sleep.

"Hi." My voice was unable to rise above a whisper too filled with fear at what I had to say to him.

"Hold on a sec." I could hear him moving around, then a door opened and closed.

"Hi baby." He said with a hint of excitement in his voice.

"Is this a bad time?" I didn't even want to think about the fact that he was in bed, asleep next to _her_.

"Oh, no, um, I was sleeping in Masen's room. He's been having nightmares lately so I've been sleeping with him." He said quietly. This was a nice revelation to find out that he hadn't been sharing a bed with _her_.

"Um, how have you been?" I stammered, suddenly losing of all the confidence I had when I first decided to call him.

He sighed, heavily, "Terrible. I miss you." His voice was full of sadness.

"Do you?" I questioned. "Or do you just miss having sex with me?" I pushed. Then closed my eyes, wishing I could take those words back. I knew that he loved me.

"Bella...fuck...I miss you. All of you, your lips, your voice, your mind and fuck, I am a man, so yes, your body, too." He almost growled at me through the phone.

"Can I see you for lunch tomorrow?" I finally found some strength.

"Really?" Edward sounded unsure that I was asked to see him.

"Yes, we need to talk and catch up on a few things." I said, trying to sound non-chalant.

"Oh God, not the 'we need to talk' speech...please tell me that isn't... what this is...have you found someone else?" he pleaded with me to answer him all the while his voice quivered.

I let out a tiny chuckle, "No, not at all. You know my heart only belongs to one person, Edward." I softly reminded him. How he could even think that I could look at another man was beyond me. The only thing that was keeping me from him was a five-foot, seven-inch honey blond that I loathed and envied all at the same time.

Even though we weren't together, I would always be his. He may never be mine but I will always belong to him. I didn't think that there would ever be another man that could fill the depths of my heart or touch my soul in the manner that Edward Cullen did or could. So why even bother to seek out someone that would never measure up?

We agreed that he'd come by the office to pick me up a little before noon. So imagine my terror the next day when I walked out of an exam room and saw Carlisle standing in the door to his office as Edward came walking in. He looked back and forth between Edward and I, as we were both grinning like goofy love-sick children.

"Edward, what are you doing here?" Carlisle questioned his son as he stood in the doorway to his office.

"I'm here to go to lunch with my friend." Edward replied as he walked to his father's office.

Carlisle asked Edward to come into his office for a minute.

I heard the door close, but I could still hear every word through the wall of my office.

"Edward..." Carlisle's voice had an unfamiliar ring of disapproval.

"What dad? I'm simply here to take Bella to lunch. She _was_ my friend _before_ she was your nurse." His voice is raised and unable to sound as innocent as he professed too. I knew that Carlisle saw right through Edward's words.

"Edward, son, you took vows, for better or worse..." Carlisle spoke a little louder than normal and there was true anger in his voice.

"I know what I've done." Edward's anger had started to leak into his tone, too.

I sat in my dingy little office, wrapped around myself, mortified by the conversation taking place, because it was about me.

Me and my sins.

Me and the trouble that I've allowed myself to get involved in.

"Then remember you have a wife." Carlisle's voice was full of admonishment.

"How could I forget, everywhere I turn someone's there to remind me." Edward bit back and I can hear his frustration.

"Then leave Bella alone, son, and no one will need to remind you." His father was only trying to help his son, I could hear that in his voice.

I know that concerned voice.

"This doesn't concern you, dad." Edward was seething as he slammed the door behind him.

He knocked on my door quietly a few seconds later.

I open the door, his eyes are on fire as they search mine, "You heard?" He asked quietly.

I nod my head, pick up my purse, but his voice stops me. "Never mind Bella, I need to go. I'll call you tonight."

And with that, he turned and left. I stood there for a moment before Carlisle appeared in the door.

"Come speak to me in my office Bella. Please?" His voice was soft and gentle and his hand outstretched to lead the way. We shuffled quietly into his office, the door closed as Carlisle waited for me to sit.

His voice rang in the air, soft and full of concern. "Bella, are you in love with him?" Carlisle sat on the edge of the desk.

I nod my head as the tears fall freely.

"He's married, Bella. He has a wife." Carlisle attempted to sound caring and concerned but only came across hard and cold.

"I know, sir." I mumbled through my tears, as I held back a sob when I wrapped my arms around myself.

"Bella, is this baby Edwards?" He lifted my chin wtih his finger, forcing me to open my eyes to the burning blue ones, that stared down at me.

I was gripped in fear, unsure of what to say, how to respond, totally numb to the pain that racked my body.

"Yes," I said in the faintest whisper.

His hand drops from my chin, as he closes his eyes. They are on fire when they open, peering into me. He huffs, then pinched the bridge of his nose. I can hear him trying to control his anger.

"That fool. What was he thinking?" Carlisle said as he stood with rage pouring off of him and started to pace the room.

"And you, getting yourself caught up in this whole mess. You're a smart girl, Bella...why?" He turned and let his eyes consume me as he tried to understand.

"I love him." I managed to say before the sobs took over. I buried my face in my hands, letting my hair fall all around me and let it all out. It wasn't long after that I felt strong arms embrace me and soft words of comfort being spoken into my ear.

"I'm sorry Bella. We'll get you through this. We'll figure it all out. There, there, sweet girl." Carlisle said as he rubbed his hands soothingly across my back and arms. It felt nice to be wrapped in a father's embrace, to feel cared and comforted.

Even though it was all in vain.

If I hadn't been having an affair with his married son, none of this would have happened.

"I'm sorry, Carlisle, I really am." I said, as I finally was able to speak through the last of my tears.

"Does he know?" he asked as his eyes roamed my still flat stomach.

I shook my head, "I had planned to tell him today at lunch." I wiped my nose with the tissue from my pocket and waited to hear his reaction.

He cleared his throat and stood up again, "Bella, he doesn't have to know." Carlisle's face took on a look of pain. "There are things, ways..." He was uncomfortable suggesting what he was about to voice.

"No, Carlisle, that isn't an option. Nothing else is the option," I said, feeling a little of my own anger rise within me, "regardless of what you think of me or Edward, this child was made out of love. I could never, ever let this child go." I stood to walk out of his office.

"Bella, stop. That isn't what I meant. It's just..." he paused, let out a heavy sigh and came around in front of me, placing his hands on my shoulders. "I adore you as much as my own daughter. My son, well, Bella, he's married. He's made some very poor choices with matters of his personal life, and now, well, he's having to pay for those choices." His eyes softened before he spoke again, "I just don't want to see his poor choices destroy your life any more than they already have." He leaned in and kissed my forehead before he pulled me into a hug.

"Just be careful, Bella. I value you too much." He whispered then retreated back to his desk.

I walked back to my small office and closed the door. I sat down in my chair, and laid my head in my hands across the desk top.

What the hell am I going to do? What the hell am I doing with my life? I'm almost twenty-eight years old, I'm pregnant and having an affair with a married man who is never going to divorce his wife.

Or will he? I allow myself that small glimmer of hope, once again, all because his child is growing in my belly. "I love you so much." I said as I sat up and rubbed my hands across my stomach, imaging how it will look in a few short months.

"Your daddy will love you too, baby, I promise." I said to the air, "and I don't break my promises."

Edward doesn't call me that night or the next. I didn't hear from him for another week, actually, until he showed up on my doorstep, that Friday night with two duffle bags and a briefcase.

"Can I stay here for a while?" I opened the door, took in his disheveled appearance, the luggage and the sheer exhaustion on his face before I nod for him to come in.

He dropped his bags inside the door, turned to me as his eyes begged for approval to touch me. My head involuntarily nodded and I felt the warmth of home wrap around me. As his arms enclosed around my body, his nose buried in my hair and the whispers of 'I love you' being heard by my ears. He held me and kissed me and smelled me for what felt like a year. He picked me up and carried me to the couch, moving my hair behind my shoulder, giving him access to my neck as he kissed my skin, setting my whole body on fire with need. "God, I've missed you baby." His words are like heat melting the ice from around my heart.

But then I stopped him. I pulled back and struggled to get out of his lap. I can't do this. There's more at stake this time. I can't risk it.

"Bella? Baby?" he questioned as I just stood there staring at him, like he should know that he just spoke to the two people residing in my body, by name.

"Edward." I said, taking a few steps back and sat on the table. "I have to tell you something, but I want to know why you are here? I want to know why you have bags packed."

I attempt to look him in the eyes as he looked down the floor, sighed and then looked back up at me. He looked older than the thirty-two year old that he was, like there was this enormous weight resting on his shoulders. "I left Tanya."

I let the words swirl in the air for a few seconds before I slap my hands on my thighs and let out a long breath.

"What do you mean, 'you left Tanya'...what does that even mean?" I knew the look on my face was that of pure bewilderment. As much as I wanted to believe what I think that meanr, I've been down this road with him one to many times to get my hopes up.

"I mean that I signed a legal separation document today, as of three minutes after four this afternoon, I am legally separated from my wife." He let out a deep, long breath and grabbed my hands. "We're almost there, Bella. We're so close to where we want this to be for us." His eyes sparked with a hint of joy mixed with a hint of sadness.

"And what about Masen?" I asked, because I knew that he would never willingly leave his son.

His face took on a pained expression, then a loud expulsion of breath escaped his lungs. He stared at me for a few minutes while the air between us built to a thick and heavy fog as I waited to hear what he had to say.

"He and Tanya are going to Alaska for a bit. I've actually spent the past week, alone with him, while Tanya was in New York visiting some friends." He sighed and rubbed a hand down his face. "I'm not sure if they'll come back from Alaska this time or not." He had a sound of hard realization in his voice and it clenched my heart. I knew how much that little boy meant to him.

"What?" I blurted out. "You are just going to let her take him that far away from you, indefinitely?" I was completely confused. Edward was never one to just let his son go. It was the whole reason that he hadn't filed for divorce, at least that's what I'd been led to believe.

"No, either I'll fly out there for a weekend in a month or she'll be home in a month. It's what we agreed to, today." He scooted forward on the couch. "You see, Isabella, I can't live without you." He leaned over and captured my lips, his tongue immediately sought the opening of my lips.

I pulled back before he got too carried away. "Is this what you want, Edward?" I asked as he sat there stunned that I denied him again.

"Yes, Bella. I've always told you that. I want to be here with you." His eyes held mine, shining brightly but that small tinge of sadness still laced in the background. I knew that I had to tell him the truth. Maybe spark some hope within him that even though he'll be missing Masen, he'll have something else to make him happy.

"I have to tell you something, Edward." I spoke soft, trying to make him really listen to me because I was scared. For this first time, I was really fearful of being without him.

"Okay, Bella. I'm listening, baby." He quietly responded and took both of my hands in his, his eyes searching for answers in mine.

"I'm pregnant." I whispered, my eyes never left his.

"You're what?" He asked, his eyes never left mine, either.

"I'm going to have your baby." I spoke those words out loud, finally, feeling so free. It felt so nice to be able to say those words to him, to give them meaning and share the excitement with him.

"My baby?" Edward asked then looked down to my stomach. "You're sure, Bella?" he asked as he scooted off the couch and dropped to his knees in front of me, his arms wrapped around my body.

"Yes, Edward. I had Dr. Cullen confirm it, almost three weeks ago." I spoke gently, as I used my finger to move a strand of hair off his forehead.

"Lunch...that day we were supposed to go to lunch." He looked up at me quizzically.

I nodded my head, "Yes, I was going to tell you then." I confirmed what he already guessed.

"Why didn't you call me or come see me, afterwards? You could have told me then." He almost sounded like he was accusing me of something, like I purposely withheld this information.

"Edward, you aren't mine to have. You walked out on me that day. You said you'd call. You haven't. You showed up here tonight with bags in hand." I said, as I tried to keep my anger at bay.

"Bella, I _am_ yours." He placed both of his hands on my face, held me gently, his eye poured his love into mine, "And now, we're going to have a baby." He smiled that damn special smile.

"Are you happy?" He asked me as a tear fell down his cheek.

I nodded, unable to keep my tears from falling now. "So happy." I managed to answer.

"I love you, Bella." He said as he captured my lips and gave me that dazzling, knee bending kiss of passion. He pulled back to breathe and leaned over and raised my shirt to expose my belly. "I love you, too, tiny love." He whispered to my stomach and then kissed it all over. "I'm going to show you the most love of all," he continued to talk and kiss my stomach. I couldn't hold back my giggle.

He was so damn adorable when he was happy like this. His whole body seemed to relax and the joy was evident on his face.

"Oh Christ, Bella, you've made me so happy." His face beamed brilliantly and his voice was full of excitement. He stood and picked me up, spinning me around as he laughed and cried tears of joy. "We're finally going to be a family."

His words settled over me uncomfortably.

He finally sat me down, "How are you?" His eyes watched me as a serious expression took over his face. "I'm sorry. I didn't make you sick did I? Oh shit, here, sit down." He started fumbling and fawning over me.

"No, I'm fine." I said but the hurt was still sitting on my face.

He studied me for a moment, "What is it Bella?" He asked, his eyes clearly show how scared he was.

"We won't be a family, Edward." I said, and held back the tears that were on the cusp of spilling down my face.

"What?" His eyes questioned me as he pulled me to him, "Bella, we _will_ be a family. This is _my_ child. You _will_ be my wife. This will be_ our_ family." He forcefully tried to convince me.

I wanted to believe him. Oh God, how I wanted to believe that this time would be different. That our child would make the difference.

The hope took over my heart once again.

**Present Day**

The preacher moved back to the podium, "The family has opened the podium so that anyone wishing to speak about Edward's life, may do so at this time." He gave a smile to the family in the front row and moved away to allow visitors to come forward.

As I stood there in the sun, Seth by my side, I wished that I had the strength to move forward. I wish that I had the hope that I once had.

But, it was never meant to be mine. Any of it.

**A/n: Sighs...leave me your thoughts...please.**


	7. Chapter 7 The Merits of Truth

**Ch7 The Merits of Truth **

**A/n: Welcome to all the new readers, I whole-heartedly appreciate your taking an interest in this story. I know it's a tough one to read and it's extremely hard for you to all understand exactly WHY he won't leave T and get divorced.**

**All I can say is TRUST ME, I do have a plan...all will be revealed, starting a bit here and definitely in the next two chapters.**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing, I am trying to respond to ea review as I can but with five stories going at once, I'm sure a few have slipped through the cracks. For that, I am truly sorry.**

**Posting a little early for Jamie...since I failed to give her some Peas tonight;(**

**Present Day**

There were old family friends that spoke about Edward and his family.

There were patients that stood and gave a testament to the kindness and care that he treated them with, throughout the years of his medical practice.

"You should speak, Bella, you knew him better than anyone else here." Seth remarked in my ear. I just shook my head, there was no way that I would be able to speak a word out loud without my grief consuming me.

"Bella, this man loved you beyond words. He will surely love you beyond the grave. Don't you think that you should tell them about the 'real' Edward Cullen?" Seth's voice was stern and sorrowful at the same time. I knew that he meant well, but really, with Tanya sitting in the front row, for all eyes to see, I would only come across as a crazed ex-lover.

"Those that matter knew the real Edward, Seth." I looked up at him, a cross look upon my face, I'm sure. "This is not the time nor the place."

So many times over the years, I'd spoken those very words. Too many instances for my liking, to be honest. As badly as I wanted to profess to the world how much I loved him or how heavy my heart was with grief, I knew that it was not the time nor the place.

My being here at all was a strong testament to how far I'd come in the realm of being 'the other woman' in Edward's life. We openly loved each other over the past tweny years, to some extent.

Edward had assured me some years ago, that his death would bring our love to light. Now, as I stood at the funeral of my seventy-two year old lover, I had to wonder what he meant.

Silently, I prayed for something to be spoken about the man I spent my life loving in the shadows of a lie.

**Forty-one years ago**

The first two weeks that Edward lived with me were completely blissful. We'd make love all night, get up and go to work, come home and cook dinner, like a regular married couple.

I was pregnant, I had Edward by my side and I was so very happy, even when the world around me was falling apart.

Angela was the first to try to burst my bubble. We hadn't seen each other in about a month when she called to invite me to lunch. We met at our usual little cafe and sat in our usual booth, but nothing about that lunch was usual past that point.

"Bella, I'm worried for you." Angela stated to me, her face full of concern.

"Don't be, Angela. There truly is nothing for you to be concerned about." I replied, defensively.

She stared at me, wrapped her hands around her mug of tea, "Bella, this is not a healthy relationship for you to be in. Don't you remember what happened with Jacob? Don't you remember how badly you got hurt? I've been your friend since we were five years old, I DO know you and I DO have a right to worry about you."

Angela never got stern or cross with me, like she was now, in all the years I've known her. I sighed, closed my eyes and laid my head back against the booth. I was going to have to tell her, everything. She knew there was someone. She knew that it was a 'secret' relationship, therefore, had deduced that he was married. I'd never confirmed it for her or told her who it was, but I realized in that moment, I needed to share my life with her.

I sat back up, opened my eyes to see her wipe a tear from her eye, "Angela, there's a lot I need to tell you." My voice was shaky and I knew that I wouldn't make it through this conversation without breaking down.

I told Angela about meeting Edward, about how our relationship started, how we would break up and get back together, how I was fearful that he'd never get divorced. I was still hesitant about revealing the baby I was carrying though.

"Bella, there's more that you aren't telling me isn't there?" She asked with a heavy sigh. Her eyes never strayed from mine as I gave her a miniscule head nod.

"If he's in love with you, why won't he leave his wife?" She questioned me gently, having not interrupted me with questions when I told her my story.

"There are a lot of reasons. But, as of right now, they are legally separated and she's in Alaska, indefinitely." I shrugged and finished off my glass of milk. Angela's eyes narrowed as she took in the empty glass with milk residue on it.

"Bella, you hate milk." Her tone suddenly got very forceful. "You just drank an entire eight ounce glass of milk, which is more than I've known you to drink in the twenty-five years that I've known you." The accusation clear in her voice as I diverted my eyes, I looked out the window to the passing traffic.

I slowly moved my eyes back to her face, her eyes full of unshed tears, "I'm pregnant, Angela."

She gasped and her hand flew to cover her mouth. She shook her head as the tears ran down her cheeks, her eyes closed. I knew that this would be hard for her, as she hadn't been able to get pregnant, even with the fertility treatments she'd endured over the past few years. "How?" She managed to ask.

"Um, it was completely an accident. You know how I am religious about my birth control but I had been sick and on anti-biotics, which counteracted with my pills." It was the only conclusion that Edward and I could feasibly come up with, as I was a stickler for taking my pills at the same time, every night, like clock work.

"What are you going to do?" Angela asked as she wiped her cheeks with her napkin.

"Edward and I are going to have a baby." I replied, ready to defend my words.

She sighed, picked up her wadded up napkin and dried her eyes, again. "What I mean, Isabella, is that this man is still married. How do you suppose he is going to be there for you and the baby when his wife needs him or his older child has a school function or is sick. He isn't yours, Bella. He's still hers, regardless of whether or not she's in town."

I let the tears run down my cheek and kept my eyes closed for a few minutes. It was like these weren't fears that I didn't already have on my own. I constantly worried about when the phone rang and he'd have to leave, never knowing when he'd return, or if he even would return.

"I don't know, Angela." I hung my head and let my hair surround my face while I silently cried.

Angela reached across the table and held my hand, "Bella, I only say these things to you because I've been so worried about what you've been up too and now, now there is a child involved. That changes everything." Her voice was soft and kind, my friend loved me and was concerned about me.

"I know, but I have to hold onto the small hope that this child will change everything." I answered her, still unsure of their weight myself.

She gasped and her eyes narrowed at me.

"Did you get pregnant to force his hand?" Angela accused me of the one thing that I feared would be asked of me.

"NO!" I vehemently denied. "I would NOT do something like that. I told you, it was an accident. But, not one that I will ever regret."

Angela shook her head at me again, closed her eyes for a minute then looked at me, eyes ablaze. "You have to put that child first, and if he can't step up and do the right thing by you..." her voice trailed off as she stared out the window.

"I know, Ang." I whispered as I dried my face. "I live in constant fear that he won't do the right thing."

Admitting that to anyone was so hard. But, for once I gave my will to my head and not my heart.

Our lunch ended with a small hug and an uneasiness between us. I knew that Angela didn't approve, at all. But, she loved me and I knew that she would support me all the way.

I went back to the office to find Mrs. Cullen, Esme, in the office flittering around. I managed to make it to my office before she saw me.

But not for long.

I heard a small tap on my door before her head peeked around the side, "Busy?" She asked with her perfect carmel hair and bright green eyes beaming at me.

"Not at all." I responded, unable to lie to her. I had grown quite fond of Esme over the past year. She was soft and caring, someone I wished had been my own mother.

Her eyes beamed into mine as she sat at the corner of my desk. "I hear that you have some news." There was no denying the joy on her face, however, misplaced it was.

"Yes, I have some news but I'm not ready to make it public information yet." I said with a quick diversion of my eyes to the paperwork sitting on my desk.

She placed a hand on my shoulder and leaned down to my ear. "That will be the most precious child I could ever lay eyes on." Her voice was honey-sweet and laiden with unspoken knowledge.

I just nodded my head, held back more tears and stood up, "I have to get back to work." I whispered, unable to look her in the eyes.

"Okay dear, but just know that I'm here for anything you need." Esme rubbed a hand down my arm before she stood and walked out, leaving me to follow behind her.

I don't know how I made it through the rest of the day but when I got home, I was utterly spent. Between the pregnancy hormones and the stress of emotions, I could barely hold my eyes open.

I fed China and London, stripped out of my clothes and curled up on the bed ready to succumb to sleep.

My eyes hadn't been closed for more than a few minutes when I heard the front door open and Edward's voice call out to me.

"Bella, where are you my love?" His velvet voice echoed through the empty apartment.

"I'm in here lying down." I spoke to the room.

He opened the door and had the strangest look across his face. He stared at me for a few minutes before he crossed the room to sit beside me. Edward stroked my hair as I took in his appearance. I could tell that he'd been crying.

"What's wrong?" I asked, unsure if I wanted to know the answer.

"I saw my mother today. I'm quite certain that you did, as well." His voice was heavy with something that I didn't recognize.

"Yes, I saw her. She knows about the baby." I whispered, not wanting to further add to his heavy burden.

"I know. She never came right out and admitted that she knew it was mine, but..." he sighed a heavy sigh and closed his eyes as a few stray tears fell. "I hadn't told them about my legal separation from Tanya, she doesn't fully understand all that is at stake." He broke down in a full on sob and fell to the floor on his knees.

I sat up, unsure of what he meant, uncertain that I even knew what was at stake. We never really discussed the 'hold' that Tanya held over him. I was beginning to think that maybe it was high time that I did.

"Edward, tell _me_ what's at stake." I pushed.

He shook his head furiously as he turned towards the bed, he leaned over it and buried his face in the blanket.

"Edward, I deserve to know the truth, finally." I whispered, full of force and some unknown confidence. I had a right to know what I was bringing my own child into.

His head came up, his eyes red and wet as he searched my eyes for understanding.

"Bella...I can't...Tanya..." he gasped for breath as another sob overtook him. His hands covered his eyes as my own hands went to his. I tried to remove them from his beautifully sorrowful face.

"For our child's sake, you need to tell me, Edward." I felt horrible the minute the words came out of my mouth, but I had to push him, for once, to be truthful.

"Bella?" He questioned, unbelieving that I said those words to him. I wasn't spiteful or vindictive, he was completely shocked at me.

"Edward, your child is growing inside of me, don't you think that merits some truth?" I asked, as I tried to hold my building anger in check.

"You do...you totally do." He whispered. "Can you just give me a little time? I promise, I will tell you everything." His eyes bore into me, they begged and pled with me to understand he wasn't ready yet.

**Present Day**

A dear friend of both mine and Edward's, Mr. Banner, stood up to speak next. A knot started to form in my stomach as to what he might have to say.

He had lived next to Edward and I for the past fifteen years, in a house that Edward bought for us to live in.

"Mr. Cullen, Edward, as I knew him, was kind and caring but a man that had hardships. I could tell that he struggled in his life to do the right thing, even when the right thing hurt him."

He paused and wiped his brow with a handkerchief, "I had the chance to witness a love that rivaled my own in seeing Edward with the love of his life." His eyes cut to me across the crowd.

"I had been married to my beautiful wife, Ingrid, for almost seventy years when she passed away. Seeing Edward and his love, brought back all the memories of my past."

He stopped and swayed a little before his daughter got up to help him stand for a few minutes more, "A love like that deserves to known by all. There is no doubt that Edward's heart was so full of love from those around him, that it just gave out from the enormity of it all."

He nodded to me, although to anyone else, it seemed he was simply nodding to the crowd that he was done.

Seth leaned down, "He knew?"

I nodded my head, unable to speak through my silent tears.

Tanya turned her head and I knew that she was looking for me.

We knew the truths, even if the people that surrounded us didn't.

**A/n: I'm very curious to know your thoughts...good/bad or otherwise.**

**See ya next Friday.**

**Kyla**


	8. Chapter 8 The Realm of Deceit

**NTBM ch8 The Realm of Deceit**

**A/n: I truly and sincerely hope that you all see things a little more clearly after this chapter. This is a very pivotal point in this journey...a lot will be explained.**

**I must give my greatest regards to my beta, Bnjwl. She truly made this chapter perfect with her little touches throughout. It's very hard for me to not write these chapters and be so emotionally bogged down with the weight of the subject matter. She always comes in behind me and sweeps out the bullshit and makes it tidy and neat for you all to read. I love you, more than words can say, bb!**

**Have tissues handy. That's all I'm saying. Please read on...**

**Present Day**

The crowd started to move about as the services wound down, just before we were able to leave the Pastor stepped back up to the podium to speak again.

"On behalf of the family, they would like to thank all of you that came today to honor the life of Dr. Edward Cullen. There will be a reception in the home of the couple that you are all invited to attend, they would welcome the opportunity to share in your stories, see pictures of this great man and greet his family. It will begin in approximately thirty minutes in order to give the family time to privately say their goodbyes."

He stepped down from the podium and went to speak briefly to Tanya.

"Bella, you're going to that reception with me. If I have to be there then you have to be there," Seth said as we faced each other under the overcast skyline.

I just nodded my head, I wasn't ready to leave this space yet. My Edward was in that casket and I had to see him completely laid to rest, Tanya be damned.

Just then a voice I hadn't heard in so very long cut through the air, "Bella?" Alice questioned as she approached me.

I slightly turned to see her reach for me. "Bella, please stay, you deserve to be here and at the reception more than anyone here." Her voice pled with me as the tears fell from her eyes to only streak down her beautiful cheeks.

"I will, Alice, I planned to accompany Seth." I said, hopeful, once again that she would notice him and acknowledge the love he carried for her.

"Seth?" Alice questioned as her eyes took all of him in. "I swear you must bathe in the fountain of youth. I didn't recognize you." She said as she stepped to him for a hug.

He wrapped his arms tight around her and closed his eyes. I knew how painful that moment was for him, it was written on his face.

They pulled back but neither dropped their arms from the other. "You look as beautiful as ever, Alice."

He touched her hair that had fallen across her cheek. "I'm so sorry for your loss." Seth said softly, their eyes were locked on the other.

It was painful for me to watch Seth's love for Alice go unacknowledged by her, so I turned to walk to my place on the bench that I had previously occupied. As I took my seat I noticed that Tanya glared at me. I wasn't intimidated by her any longer, so I returned her glare which only served to raise her ire her even more so.

She mouthed, "We'll talk later," to which I simply nodded. I briefly wondered what she would want to talk with me about after all of this time but my mind immediately wandered to another time I heard those words.

I remembered when Edward had said those words to me before the first living nightmare of my life occurred.

**Forty-one years ago**

After I asked Edward to tell me why he couldn't leave Tanya, he asked me for a little time to prepare his thoughts. I was reluctant to give him to much time, almost afraid he would disappear on me, since he was so hesitant to speak about it.

He took a shower then promptly crawled in bed with me, the darkness outside filled the room along with the silence.

Edward held me while he slept with such fierce desperation. I was completely perplexed by his actions.

His mother knew about us, inadvertently and his father and sister knew, these were all key people in his life. I somehow got the impression that none of them knew the truth about Edward and Tanya's situation, either.

That worried me.

He was extremely close to his parents, while I knew that they weren't particularly fond of Tanya, they had always supported him in all things.

They adored Masen and when Tanya brought him by the office, she often sat in Carlisle's office while he showed his grandson off to the patients and other office staff. Tanya seemed uninterested in the socialization with the office staff and usually spent the majority of the time perfecting her makeup or reading a magazine. However, the little boy was positively adorable and readily came to me and the other office personnel.

"Bella?" Edward's husky voice sleepily spoke into my ear.

"Yes?" I whispered back.

"Did you eat dinner tonight?" I rolled my eyes, he was always on me about how much I ate now that I carried his child.

"No, I haven't. Are you hungry?" I asked as I turned around to face him.

"I'm starving. How about I cook us some eggs and bacon with maybe some fruit?" Once he said the words, my stomach growled.

"Well, I guess that answers that question." Edward said as he started to rouse himself out of the bed.

Once we were both dressed in our pajamas, we easily fell into our routine in order to cook our make shift dinner.

"How was your day?" He asked as he whipped up the scrambled eggs, I noticed that he added a little milk and cheese the way that I liked them.

"It was busy, but not too bad." I said as I got the bacon ready to fry.

"Didn't you have lunch with Angela today?" He said as he poured the mixture in the pan.

"Yes." I said in a clipped tone. I didn't want to have this discussion with him at this moment.

"Hmmm, what happened?" He said as he stirred the eggs, without a single glance in my direct.

I huffed and started to lay the bacon in the pan, "I told her about the baby."

He stopped and looked at me as soon as the words left my mouth, "What did she say?"

His eyes searched mine and as I tried to look away to guard my reactions to the conversation that took place earlier today. Edward refused to allow me to pull away; he pulled my chin back to face him as he searched my eyes and found the answers he sought.

"That bad? I thought she was your best friend, yet she obviously upset you." He said gently and wiped the few stray tears that had started to fall.

"She was upset with both of us." I honestly told him. "Plus, she's struggled for so long to have a baby of her own, so it was a rough conversation for both of us." I finally said as I let the tears fall freely.

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. I can never say enough how sorry I am that I've brought all of this down on you." He said as he pulled me tight against him and rubbed my back. "Don't you want to talk about it?" He asked as he pulled back to look at me.

"Not really," I said quietly and turned back to the bacon.

"Okay," he sighed and kissed my temple.

We cooked in silence for a few minutes.

"I talked to Masen on the phone this afternoon. It seems he and Tanya will be fly back the weekend after next. She wants to leave him with me for the weekend so she can go to New York to see her friends for a few days."

A sense of dread washed over me at this news.

"Okay." I replied, my whole body went numb.

"I want you to stay with us at my house." He said as he finished up the eggs and scooped them onto our plates.

"What?" I half laughed and half screeched.

"Bella, I don't want to be apart from you and he'll be my responsibility so it just makes sense to stay there. All his toys are there, his bed is there, there's plenty of spare rooms for you and I to stay in." He said all this casually like he hadn't just asked me to cross the lines of enemy territory.

"Edward, I really do not think that is a good idea, AT ALL." I firmly stated.

He walked up behind me and wound his hands around to cover my belly before he spoke softly into my ear, "Baby, this is his sibling that we created, you will be his step-mother someday. It makes perfect sense to establish you in his life now while he's still so young."

He knew how to cloud my head with the combination of his touch and words.

I just nodded my head but knew that this was not going to be an easy task to get out of later.

I placed the bacon on our plates while he finished off our meal with apples and bananas.

"Milk or juice?" He asked while he stood in front of the open fridge.

I reached for our glasses, "Milk for me, please." I shivered at what I'd just said, I had hated milk my entire life. It felt rather odd that I now drank a gallon on a regular basis.

"Good choice, my love." Edward said as he poured us each a glass and I carried our plates to the table.

We ate in silence before I finally had to ask, "Edward, what did your mother say today that had you so upset?"

He froze and looked up at me, the sadness plainly written on his face.

"Bella, my mother is the master of secrets, it seems I learned that from her. She hinted as much today." His voice was flat and almost angry.

I was confused.

"What on earth do you mean?" I asked, as my curiosity got the best of me.

Edward sighed. On instinct he ran his hand through his hair, which he always did when he was agitated or frustrated.

"Bella, my family is full of secrets and I've worked very hard to keep them buried. My mother has hinted to me that she thinks she knows what I know, but truthfully," he paused and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Truthfully, I don't think that even she would admit the truth. She can be a very deceitful woman when she wants to be. Her insinuations that she knew about our baby today, well, they just kind of pushed me over the edge."

He was being so cryptic that I was once again frustrated with him.

"Edward, you trust me, don't you?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

He wearily looked up at me and nodded, his green eyes bright and his pupils dilated.

"Then just fucking tell me the truth, no more talking in circles about secrets and insinuations. Just tell me." I demanded, my voice raised slightly while I laid my hands on the table top.

"This isn't easy for me, Bella. I've never spoken about this to anyone outside of Tanya and her father. So, please bear with me as I tell you, okay?" His eyes bore into mine with a clear need for me to be understanding with him.

I reluctantly nodded my head.

"Our families had always been close, even though they lived half a world away, Tanya's father, Caius and his brother, Marcus, were old college buddies of my dad's. Hell, they had all stood up in each other's weddings, that's how close they all were." He paused and took a drink of milk but then he stood up and grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator before he sat back down.

His eyes were trained to the floor. He couldn't, or more plausible wouldn't look at me.

"Marcus had been my father's accountant when he lived in Seattle, before I had been born. His wife had died shortly after they had their first child, Irina. My mother tended to her a lot as she was a stay at home mom while she raised Emmett. As they were like family, nothing seemed odd about it, at first. My dad was still in his residency, however, so he was hardly ever home. My mom and Marcus began to have an affair."

He took a long draw on his beer before he sat the bottle down on the table and looked at me.

"Caius found about the affair and demanded that Marcus and Irina move back to Alaska. He wouldn't have a scandal such as this to ruin everyone's lives. Around the time that they moved, my mother realized that she was pregnant. Needless to say, my dad was ecstatic at the news, even though he was heartbroken at the same time because his best friend had moved away."

I sat there and listened intently but was absolutely confused as to what all of this had to do with why he couldn't divorce Tanya.

I started to speak but he stopped me.

"Thankfully, I was born a mirror image of my mother. My father, Carlisle has never realized that I am not his biological child. Hell, I'm not sure that my mother knows for certain, even now. She suspects, I think, but she's never actually asked me." Edward paused and drained the rest of his beer before he spoke again. "However, my second year of college we had to do blood type tests in class." He looked up at me from under dark eyelashes and I could see the hurt written on his face. Even after all of these years he was still as devastated as the day he found out. That much was obvious. "When my results came in, I knew that I was not compatible with my parents. I was devastated to say the least. Someone that I loved and admired had lied to me." One hand worked the beer bottle in a small circle on the table top and the other ran through his hair ceaselessly. A small half smile took over his face as he spoke again. "And it certainly did not help that Emmett used to tease me relentlessly about being the milkman's." He let out a long breath and studied the hand that cradled the beer bottle before he looked back up to me.

"I was scared and confused. I didn't want to go to my parents and destroy their marriage by asking about it. I certainly couldn't look for adoption papers since I had no access to their personal files. So, I went to Caius. He and I were close as Tanya and I had dated, off and on for a few years. He reluctantly admitted everything to me but I think he resented the fact that he told me though. He had watched me grow up in a loving two parent home and was oblivious to the truth about my parentage. He told me that Irina, my half-sister, had struggled emotionally for years without her mother and then Marcus' death when she was in her teens, well that just sent her over the edge. She had become a drug addict and at the time lived on the streets. I was livid to learn that my sibling actually lived that way. I demanded that he do something, that he ask my father for help, something...anything. I was young and dumb and I honestly put myself into a position that cost me dearly."

Edward halted his speech and started to pace the room. I just sat there and watched, still not sure of how this all was relevant to his relationship with Tanya. I tried to be patient as he was clearly not through.

"See, Caius knew that Tanya had dated this guy, Laurent, behind his back. Hell, even I knew it and it would have been a huge scandal if it broke publicly. Laurent was the son of an opponent of Caius' in the govenor's race."

He paused and grabbed his hair with both hands, his eyes screwed shut as if he had just experienced this pain for the first time.

"He made me promise to marry Tanya and he would make sure that my sister was taken care of. He would pull her off the streets, get her clean and keep her that way, but I had to make his daughter happy enough to keep her away from Laurent. You see, Laurent's family was tied to the mob, and Caius was terrified that Tanya's life was in danger if they continued their secret relationship."

His eyes opened, dark and full of anger and he moved to sit down after he grabbed another beer.

"Bella, Caius knew that Laurent had gotten Tanya pregnant and he wanted me to raise the child as my own." His hands dropped from his face to slap angrily against his thighs. "Just as Carlisle had unwittingly done with me." A dark chuckle emanated from Edward's mouth. "It was pure hell to convince Tanya that I wanted to marry her and settle down in Seattle. She was very hesitant to give up Laurent. Her daddy spoiled her and sweetened the offer with a huge house, luxury cars and all the money she could spend. But... if we split up or divorced for any reason, it would all be gone. All of Tanya's money and all the support for Irina would end. He'd let the streets have her once again."

Edward's eyes were full of tears as he spoke again, "He also threatened to tell my father the truth about Marcus and Esme." Edward's sob broke before he could finish the sentence. Once he reigned in his emotions he continued. "He'd tell that I was not Carlisle's biological son. I couldn't do that, Bella. I couldn't let those things happen." He broke into a full on sob again as he fell to his knees in front of me. I could only cradle his head when it fell into my lap as his body was racked with the emotions, pain and sorrow he experienced all over again. He had to once again bear the brunt of a selfish man's decision. That one single decision had affected Edward's life for the last few years and would continue to affect it for years to come.

This beautiful man had the weight of his world on his shoulders for all these years.

He was never given a choice. The fate of so many rested solely on his shoulders.

I held him and tried to comfort him as best as I could and wondered where this left us.

**Present Day**

Seth sat down beside me, "You look like the weight of the world rests on your shoulders."

His words sent a sharp rocket of hurt to flutter through my broken heart.

"It was Edward's weight, and now it seems that it has become mine." I whispered as he took my hand in his and gave it a squeeze.

"The truth always sets us free." He replied, earnestly.

I turned and stared at him with white hot anger that coursed through me, "The truth was never mine to tell."

His eyes grew wide and he took in my angry position.

"Bella, don't you think it's time for the truth to come out? It's been forty-two years." Seth said, softly.

"No, Seth, it's been longer than that, try about seventy-five years." I harshly stated.

I looked over at Tanya and Laurent as they stood with Edward's children.

Fury rolled through me at the sight.

Then, I saw her.

Irina.

**A/n: Well? Can you feel an ounce of sympathy or at least empathy for our dear Edward? **

**There is still sooooo much more to be explained...and trust me, my lovelies, it's up in the next chapter.**

**Still with me? I hope so 'cuz the roller coaster ride isn't anywhere near over;(**

**Thank you, again, from the bottom of my heart for reading this story. It definitely is NOT for the faint of heart. So, I give you ALL big squishy huggles and a box of tissue with my deepest thanks for sticking with it.**

**'Til next Friday,**

**Kyla**


	9. Chapter 9 Evil and Numb

**A/n: Well, here we are again...I know it's been a while...and it will most like be 2 weeks before I can update this one again. BUT, I am working on the next chapter...just health issues still slowing me down.**

**Thank you all for your patience and please know that I WILL NEVER abandon a story.**

**Read on...**

**NTBM ch9 Evil and Numb**

**Present Day**

What the hell was Irina doing here? She was supposed to be in a psych facility in Chicago.

I had made sure that the checks went there every month for her care, once Edward and I began to share an account numerous years ago.

She and I made eye contact. Irina knew who I was, having met me close to thirty years ago for the first time.

I stood and started to walk towards her as she shook her head excitedly. I didn't care, I had to know what she was doing here as she was now basically my responsibility. Tanya had never showed any interest in her nor could she be bothered by the woman's problems.

"Irina?" I called to her.

Her face was streaked with tears as she nodded at me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked gently.

"He was...he was my brother. I couldn't stay away when they told me he had died." She said as the sobs took over her body. I reached out to hold her and she clung to me.

"He was so good to me, even when I didn't deserve his love or patience." She cried into my neck.

"Shhh, Irina...it's okay. He loved you, from the moment he found out about you, he had loved you so much." I tried to comfort her only to see that Tanya stared at the two of us with a look of disdain on her face.

Once again she couldn't be bothered to help her family. Her children's aunt meant nothing to her. Hell, Irina was her own blood family and she never once lifted a finger to care for her or comfort her.

She had considered Irina a huge nuisance and beneath her.

"Irina, let's sit down. You look exhausted." I said softly as I started to walk us towards the rows of empty chairs.

"Thank you, Bella. You've always shown me kindness, it's easy to see why my brother loved you so much." Her smile was so sweet and kind, I couldn't help but love her all the more. She showed small traces of Edward in her face. It wasn't an obvious identical match for them but the small subtle movement of their expressions that made me recognize the resemblances.

I smiled back at her and moved the hair off her tired and worn face. "I loved him so much."

She and nodded her head.

Seth approached, "Bella, would you like me to sit with Irina while you say your goodbyes?"

"Thank you, Seth, I'm sure Irina would appreciate that as much as I do." I said and whispered to Irina that I wouldn't leave her here if she would give me a few minutes.

She nodded again and wiped her face before she turned to Seth and gave him a small smile.

I watched as Alice and Emmett, along with their families made to leave the cemetery.

Laurent left with Edward's children, as well.

The only ones that remained were Tanya and I as we stood by the casket.

**Forty-one years ago**

Edward cried for a while as I comforted him as best I could. He eventually sat up and went to the sink to splash cold water on his face.

"Let's go sit on the couch as I'm sure you have questions." His voice was soft and filled with emotion.

We sat down and settled in before I spoke, "What happened to Tanya and Laurent's baby?"

He tensed up and let out a long breath. "She got rid of it," he said through gritted teeth.

I stared at him in shock.

"What do you mean 'got rid of it'?" I wanted him to tell me, there was obviously more than just an abortion behind that statement.

"I mean that once Caius figured out that it was not my child, he insisted that she have an abortion. He threatened to disown her if she didn't. He threatened me that he would pump Irina full of heroin again if I didn't force Tanya to do it." His voice was full of anger and venom.

"We fought over and over about it, even getting into a physical scuffle at one point." He admitted and ran a hand through his hair.

"I mean, shit, Bella, what if my mother had made that decision to get rid of me?" He said, sadly.

That thought alone caused my heart to seize with pain.

"I reluctantly agreed to take Tanya to have it done, and she went willingly under the promise that I would give her as many children as she desired." His shoulders slumped forward and he placed his head in his hands.

"I fear what will happen when she finds out that you are pregnant. She will want another baby, if she isn't pregnant already." His voice was so faint, I questioned whether or not I heard him correctly.

"What the fuck does that mean, Edward?" I was livid. I was pregnant with his child, when the fuck had he had sex with her?

"She keeps a solid track of her ovulation and when something is going wrong for her or she gets unhappy, she wants a baby. It keeps the attention on her and makes everyone think our relationship is solid." He admitted like it was something casual.

"Edward?" I angrily demanded he look at me. "When did you have sex with her last?"

He looked at me with nothing but regret in his eyes, "The last night we spent in the house before she left Masen with me for the week." He whispered his admittance.

I started to calculate dates in my head.

"Fuck, Edward. She would be as far a long as I am." I said, completely heartbroken at this revelation.

"I know." He rubbed a palm across his face before he screamed, "FUCK!" and stood up to pace the room.

"How could you do this to me? You got my hopes up for nothing, again." I said as I raised my voice at him. "When the hell were you planning on telling me this?" I asked, as I stood up on instinct, my body needed to move and dispel some of this built up tension with me. As I turned and watched him pace. I was to frustrated and afraid of what I would do if I gave my body free reign to move.

"I don't know, Bella. We've never really discussed mine and Tanya's relationship. I wasn't sure that you wanted to hear those kinds of details." He stopped his pace and stared at me.

"How often are you fucking your wife, Edward? Let's discuss it now. I mean, I know you and your libido. Are there anymore of us on the side that you dally with?" I said to him as I felt my anger build. I had never been so angry in all of my life.

"What? Bella, no, you are the only one, ever. I met you and fell head over fucking heels in love with you the moment I first laid eyes on you. Tanya and I do not have regular sex. She has Laurent for that." He admitted angrily.

"What?" I questioned, blinking rapidly.

"She and Laurent never ended their relationship, but he did have a vasectomy so that there were no further 'problems' down the road." He said before he moved to sit on the couch, once again.

"Tanya and I have had sex exactly six times since we've been married, and that includes our honeymoon." He admitted as he looked at me, his eyes pleaded with me to understand him and the significance of his words.

"Masen?" I asked, curiously.

"It was our second time to try." He freely spoke the words, as he let out a long sigh.

I was in shock.

I was completely numb.

I felt like I was trapped in a mouse maze and there was no way out.

"So, what's going to happen if Tanya is pregnant right now? I mean, how did you get the legal separation?" I sat down because all of this new information made my head spin.

"I pray to God that she isn't, Bella. For both of our sakes, I have never prayed for something so hard in all of my life. Once you told me about our baby, I wanted nothing more than to say to hell with it all and get the divorce." He paused, reluctant to say anything further.

"What is it, Edward?" He had me worried now.

He looked at me and sat still for a minute, "She has pictures of us in Denver."

I gasped.

"She's blackmailing you?" I whispered to which he nodded confirmation.

"Caius is sick, he's dying of cancer and he has told her everything, he's given her documents. She's carrying on his threats. I have to give her what she wants or she'll not only destroy me now but you as well."

I sat there in complete shock.

I was in so far over my head with no way out at this point.

"She only agreed to the legal separation if I agreed to keep it quiet, no one in our families could know about it. As well as we had to try for another baby." He relented and reached for my hands.

I let him comfort me. I had no idea how to wrap my head around all of this information.

All I had wanted was for Edward to get divorced, to marry me and us to have a family together.

Now, he's told me we're being blackmailed and his estranged wife may or may not be pregnant with my child's half sibling.

"Edward, I'm scared. She'll never let you be with me if she's pregnant. What will happen to me? What will happen with our baby?" I broke down in sobs under the weight of it all.

"Shhh, baby, come here," he said as he pulled me into his lap. "Oh baby, I'm sorry...so fucking sorry that you've been brought into all of this mess."

He kissed my temple and held me tight, "I would never abandon you or our child. Never. Nothing she could do to me would keep me from a child that was actually conceived in our love."

I cried harder at his words.

He rubbed his hands along my belly, "Bella, this child, our child means more to me than anything in this world, besides you. This baby was made out of pure love. I am already so attached to that little fellow, I can't wait for the next six months to fly by so I can see his beautiful face."

I felt him smile against my cheek.

"I know it's a boy." I spoke into his neck.

"Me too." He whispered before he pulled me up to look at him.

"He's going to be perfect, just like you," Edward's words died down as his lips attached to mine for a heated kiss.

He picked me up and carried me to the bedroom, our eyes and hearts locked in this fierce battle of hurt and love.

As he laid me down, he whispered words of love, family and forever. These words were not new to us, but the meanings and feelings behind them felt infinitely different.

Edward hovered over my body as he removed my clothes with soft kisses to my various parts of my body as they were revealed to him. Then when he had me laid bare before him he leaned down and placed a single kiss to my small belly, "I love my child. I cannot wait to meet you and hold you in my arms."

He raised his head up and our eyes locked. A single tear ran down his cheek as he slowly ascended up my body. "I love you so much, Bella. I want to show you my love. I want you to feel the depths of my soul."

I gave him every piece of myself that night, knowing that I might never have all of him. But, I knew that no matter what he would always own me.

**Present day**

I stood next to the head of Edward's casket, wishing I had one more minute with him. I wished for one more whisper of his voice in my ear. I closed my eyes as the tears streaked my cheeks.

"He always loved you more than anything else in this world." Tanya's bitter voice brought me back to the present moment.

I turned my head to look at her, the anger and hatred plain on my face, I'm sure of it.

"You should have let him go." I snapped at her.

She narrowed her eyes at me before she spoke quietly, "He knew that was never an option."

I turned my whole body to face her, "Tanya, you never once loved him, you never appreciated the man that he was for you or for your children. You could have changed the fate of so many but you chose to remain a cold-hearted bitch your entire life. I have never met anyone more ungrateful or selfish in all of my life."

"If he had wanted to be free of me, he knew what he had to do. He chose not to. I offered him a way out." Her words laced with the years of venom as she spoke.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at her absurd statement. "Your options were more dictations on his life and we both know it."

We locked eyes in a stare down.

She had taken enough of my life from me, she wasn't taking my final moments with Edward as well.

**A/n: A HUGE THANK YOU to my beta, Bnjwl...she is more important to me than she can ever realize. I love you bb! YOU rock my world, hardcore...**


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